((Jello))

Yeah, object constancy or the lack thereof.

I have no object constancy, nada, zip. I told T that he exists only in his chair. I go twice a week because as I approached the one year anniversary of therapy I still couldn't hold onto the connection from week to week. Now, I can hold on from Tuesday to Thursday (usually), but not always from Thursday to Tuesday. Sheesh.

I have also had the same fantasies that he doesn't want to work with me, will become sick of me.

I believe that, in T's presence, we can attain a concept of ourselves that we can't do elsewhere irl, and the frightening part is the prospect of losing that.

One of the things I do is listen to Bellaruth Naparstek's trauma recovery recording because my T is my guide on this tape (imaginary). The downside of this is when I am mad at him I can't use it because it angers me instead of calming me! However, I do recommend it. It might help.

Peace