((((((((((((((September))))))))))))

You're taking a brave step in looking at the dragon, I know for some time I did my best to ignore him and change him, and deny him... but dang, he is me, I am him. I cut so much of myself out of my life in denying him... I channeled all my negativity into him... no wonder he hurt so much... in return he was the little boy looking back at me with the tears in his eyes I wouldn't let myself cry... so he pushed me deeper and deeper into despair... trying to get noticed? For so long I hated him, but I didn't realize I was hating myself. All I knew was I carried this thick tarry black thing in the center of my heart. I countered by trying to see the bright side of things, I tried to ignore anything negative... but it didn't work. It seemed the harder I worked to make it go away, the stronger it became. I drank, I partied, I tried to run away. Everywhere I went, it followed.

I can so relate to what you said about your mother judging you as a bad person... My mom and I get along pretty well now most days... For awhile I felt like I was nothing but a failure and burden on her life. I did'nt get mad at her for her thoughts. I thought she was right, I was out of control.. but I didn't want to be... I ran with the wrong crowds too... I always had an image in my mind of clean fun, but somehow it didn't work out that way... I think this is why I have such a hangup about fun still... making progress here?

My mom and I have worked things out for the most part... she finally realized how I felt, and I put myself in her shoes a little... it wasn't easy being a single mom of three.. she had to work two jobs to make ends meet... on top of that, she was in a car crash very young that crippled her for life.. she refuses to get a wheel chair and has used cruthes for over 20 years... her feet get swollen with blood and twist at a strange angle... she refuses to go back in the hospital after being in traction 6 months... I can appreciate her strength now that I'm older....

I can apprciate that you need to take your time with this... it is perhaps the biggest fight either of us will ever face... I'm trying not to see it as a fight though... instead, it is the road to freedom with a shining light at the end...

I can't tell you how to make friends with your dragon... I see what you mean that they have a resemblance to different stages of our life.. maybe unresolved issues at different crossroads... me when mom and dad divorced... me when dad remarried.. me when I shuffled between families.. me when I was happy at school... me when dad turned me out... me when I drank to much to forget... me when I tried to recover... me when I saw the ocean the first time... at some point the dragon became seperate... he bagan to be my funnel for all my bad feelings... but he's still me.

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising every time we fall." Confucius