Today started off all right. I took a walk in the morning, even got up the energy to go to church, something I have been meaning to start up again for a long time. I even emailed the pastor to ask for an appt. to talk to him because I've got so much going on.

After lunch, I had to make a grocery list to go shopping and plan the meals for the week. I just completely lost it. First, I hardly have appetite for any of the meals I cook now after that invasive ulcer surgery. I mostly eat soup or very plain TV dinners, toast, yogurt, things like that, foods that my family would not be thrilled to be served on a daily basis. I am upset that I am unable to eat foods I once loved without them causing major stomach upset. From what I've read online, 3 courses are possible: I may eventually be able to eat these foods again without a problem, I may be able to eat those foods in small quantities in the future, or I may be stuck eating bland foods the rest of my life.

At that instant, everything overwhelmed me, not just the food and meal planning, but all the trauma of this surgery, passing out in the house, ambulance ride, surgery, waking up to so much pain I wished I was dead. I still have pain, and I'm almost 6 weeks post-op. The surgeons said it could be 6 months or longer before the pain completely heals. The incision hurts every time I cough, sneeze, blow my nose, even (sorry for the TMI here) have a bowel movement.

I just broke down into tears and cried and cried. It was the first time I've really cried about the whole situation. I just wanted me husband to come and hold me, tell me it would be all right, but instead he told me to buck up and get it together, do I think I'm the only one with a hard life? He tells me I have it "easy" since he is working, bringing in the income, up late applying for jobs at night and lost his mother just last December. I KNOW things are hard for him, but just this once, I wanted to be held and told, "I know things seem bad for your right now, but it will be better; we'll get through this together." Instead, he made me feel guilty and worthless

No one knows what it is like having a mental disorder like BPD or panic disorder unless you have been there. My husband's parents were much older than mine, growing up during the Great Depression and WWII, part of the "Silent Generation". You just didn't talk about feelings, just kept plugging along, and that mentality has rubbed off on my husband. Meanwhile, my parents were much younger, children of the 1960s and 1970s, and things were different then.

I love my husband, and usually, he is very sweet to me even if he doesn't always "get" my mental health issues or believe that I really need to take psych meds. He did eventually apologize and help me plan out meals for the week, but it was such a blow to me. I wanted him there for some support; for goodness' sakes, I nearly DIED a month ago and would have without medical intervention. I had a surgery so painful, I didn't even realize a person could feel that much pain and was hallucinating from the pain & the medication. Recovery has been hard, and now I'm having to see a specialist (gastroenterologist) for this problem, more treatment we can't afford.

Sigh...it has been a rough day.