Thank you for your replies!

I talked with my counselor tonight.

Ya know.

I have every check marked symptom/personality defect of CSA.

As I said before, denial comes in like a landslide.

I can’t accept it. I can’t agree with it.

All of my memories shut off into darkness without any visual proof of what my internal self has felt the shame, aloneness, guilt and not belonging of.

There is a very strong validating/analytical part that is searching for proof. It’s searching for some shread of a visual memory that would validate my brokenness.

There is another part of me that is terrified of glimpsing any tiny part of it.

What a place to be.

To want truth but to be afraid of the ?.

What would that bring?

More brokenness?

A rending of myself?

Truth that I couldn’t handle?

Freedom?

Would the truth of really knowing bring me freedom?

I couldn’t stay where I was 6 years ago.

It has brought some healing in parts of me to know the things that I do know now.

I can’t turn around and leave it like it is and not go forward.

I can’t push this. This is so hard because I want to be on the other side of this.

I want my life back.

Well.

Not really my life back. I want my life and I want to enjoy it.

I pray that this has a purpose and a resolution for my heart.

I pray that there is a way that I can use what I’m walking through to help someone else.

That would be on the other side of validation maybe?

I don’t know.

Thank you for hearing me.