I had a session today,and it was still very confusing, but differently so. My T seemed sad,and he said he felt like the space didnt feel safe to me anymore, that I was hesitant, and he was deeply puzzled as to why. Since I went in to depth with him last session about all this stuff discussed on the thread, it was like he didnt believe possibility the issue could be within therapy; he kept looking for answers in my outside life- did someone scare or hurt me. Considering how much thought went into this thread,mine and others here, and how hard I worked to be transparent and open, this was unexpected and just left field.

It left me feeling like my T sincerely, and absolutely loves the field of psychodynamic therapy, and believes in it so much he doesnt ask questions like is this relationship real , or what is the meaning of the power imbalance, and can't fathom me asking them of myself .

It is hard to explain how worried he seemed, but yet how unseriously took the topics here- like they were a distraction from a real issue, and he was earnestly trying to get me to tell him what is wrong .

It is like swimming in a huge ocean of ambiguity.

You can tell he does share one fear I also have- that we are cocreating a lose-lose situation and we need to reel it in.

I adore my T, but it is like something hit me in the head with a reality baseball bat, and I just want him to care or not care. Telling me it is all a paradox and he both cares and doesnt care? I need to figure out why that hurts to hear, even while I understand it intellectually.