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I am not going to explain this right… but I am strugglingwith how I can’t keep people in my life. I am always and forever alone.
I cannot sustain any relationships. Like…. Any. Not in person and especially long-distance relationships. Not with lovers. Not with family. Not with friends. Not even here on PC. I can only seem to have “causal”interactions. I know how I was raised hashad an impact, but I’m grown now, and I still don’t know how to bridge thatgap.
I like how anonymous PC is. People don’t know me (have no expectations of me), and thus, I canreally be myself. I was on here ahandful of years ago, and even made some memorable and meaningful (at least tome) connections. But I got to the point,where people actually got to know me. Itwas when I felt pressure to deepen the friendships that I panicked. At the time, I was embarrassed that I couldn’tmake any progress on myself and my situation. I guess, it’s when people expect somethingfrom me that I’m not sure I can deliver… I do a complete retreat. I know if they can’t rely on me, that they’llhate me… so I try to walk away before they can (emotionally and/or physically). I don’t know HOW to care so much aboutothers without losing myself.
I don’t know how to “family.” I don’t know how to set boundaries so that mycomfort zone isn’t invaded. I don’t knowhow to deepen a friendship. What do peoplewant? I can listen. I can give advice or an opinion. I can’t fix myself, therefore, I know I can’tfix anyone else. I just don’t know how Iconnect to people, or how to maintain that connection without furthering it tothe point I get disappointed or disappoint the other person.
I guess it’s a detachment issue.. or attachment issue… ormaybe even an abandonment issue. But eitherway, I’m so incredibly sad that I end up pushing people away. I don’t know when I’m doing it, but I canfeel when those people are out of my reach. I don’t know how to mend things once someone doesn’t want me in theirlife anymore. I’m always alone. For the most part, I prefer to be alone… or maybeit’s easier. It’s heartbreaking forme.
How do I connect with someone when I know I can only go farin the relationship? If I know I can’tdeepen or maintain a connection, is there something I can say or do to let themknow to expect more from me (so I don’t lose them from my life entirely)?
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For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn't understand growth, it would look like complete destruction. -Cynthia Occelli 
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