I more then anything desire to have a healthy relationship with my mom. I was really close to her when I was little. In some respects I admire her strength and everything she sacrificed for me and my brother. However, there is this other side that is toxic and unstable and I find myself not feeling good around her at all. 3 yrs ago, my father died from an overdose, my grandmother passed and boyfriend died from an overdose in the same year. My mom had a very unhealthy relationship with my grandma that passed, since that passing she has even more so been detached. She started treating me differently and during that time things were very hard for me and I did not have my mom there for emotional support. I had for awhile put myself into grief counseling, and even mentioned counseling to her as well and she doesn't even acknowledge my words, feelings nothing. I'm mad and hurt that I did not have my mom to give support through a very dark time.

Her way of dealing is to just act like nothing happened and get over it. For me, I can't ignore how hurt I feel anymore or have others do the same to me. To ignore and just push it away like she wants to do makes me feel like I'm putting myself into a pattern to be treated a certain way again. So I have kept my distance in hopes that one day she wants to work on having a healthier relationship with me. The way things are now I can't go back to the same patterns, I'm so different from who I was after experiencing what I have. However, it's a deep pain not having my mom in my life. I struggle so much with this and there is so much more to say on it but I don't want to overload.