Quote:
Originally Posted by SalingerEsme
. . .
Considering how much thought went into this thread,mine and others here, and how hard I worked to be transparent and open, this was unexpected and just left field.
. . .
It is hard to explain how worried he seemed, but yet how unseriously took the topics here- like they were a distraction from a real issue, and he was earnestly trying to get me to tell him what is wrong .
. . .
I just want him to care or not care. Telling me it is all a paradox and he both cares and doesnt care? I need to figure out why that hurts to hear, even while I understand it intellectually.
|
1. On the first point, I think there is another way to understand it, and that is that all the thought and energy was invested in talking about this issue here on the board. I'm not criticizing, I'm just saying that therapy is at least part communication between the two people involved in the relationship, and work (or whatever you want to call it) outside the relationship leaves the other person (in this case T) out of it). If this board was about marriage/intimate relationships and one partner spent days talking about a relationship issue and then brought it back to the partner to discuss, it would probably feel stale and condensed, no matter how lively and engaging the topic was discussed without the partner. To the partner it might feel like getting the book review instead of reading the book, because the intimacy was spent outside the relationship, so the reaction might be expected to be lackluster.
2. Your T is the only other person in the relationship with you. His opinion that this might be a distraction is worth considering as part of what is going on between you.
3. Maybe the issue is not substantive but bumped up a level. Perhaps it's about not getting what you want, it's either yes or no. Sometimes looking at our own reactions that precede the action that bothers us provides some useful information.
I think there is a part of the intimacy of any relationship that can be harmed, sometimes in a way that dishonors the relationship, when people talk about a relationship issue with outsiders instead of or before discussing it with the partner. There's a part of intimacy where working out the issue between the two of you improves the intimacy and communication in the relationship. When that doesn't happen, that possibility is lost. And I think that outside communication does impair communication within the relationship, as there is all the stuff that you've processed that he doesn't have access to, and any way you attempt to summarize and present it is going to lose much from what you've already processed without him.