elevatedsoul, despite that you say you don't know what's going on, you clearly show in your posts that you do have a good amount of insight. I understand that it feels so chaotic. It is tempting for some of us to avoid and withdraw from relationships. Do you want relationships? Hurt is inevitable.

Life is not about making all the hurt go away, it is about making room for the hurt--and making room for everything else that life brings, good and bad.