Man is it hard to look back and read what I have written. When I write, it hurts, but to actually read it and feel it in a different way.

Thanks Tryin and Rapunzel. You are great friends.

It is like someone has turned on this switch inside of me. Things I did not remember are creeping up. Pieces to the mystery and starting to fit in. And its frightening. I remember many events but they are becoming so clear. So did I shove them so deep that I did not realize how much was inside? And so afraid of remembering, yet it makes more sense now.

Now what to do with all of this makes me sigh. It all wants to come out so desperately yet I am afraid of sharing all of it. As much as I want to keep this locked away inside of the child, I want to find what I have been searching for. For maybe there is a different kind of life than the one I am living now. So to allow these memories to come, to feel them, to get angry, to get sad: is that not part of healing? The trapped little girl inside wants out, I have to let her out before she is gone. And she does not want to die, just wants life. A life without all of this controlling her. She wants out of the cage, I want out of the cage....how?? Time?? Not sure, but the answers are beginning to form.

I want to thank others here for sharing everything they have. As hard as it can be reading the pain and suffering that you have all been through, it has helped me unlock the pain as well. Not that I want any of you to go through what you have, but you did and are able to come here and tell others. I thank you for the courage that you all display everyday of you lives and I say: GOOD JOB FOR FIGHTING, FOR BEING HERE THE WAY YOU ALL ARE. And in writing, sharing the way others do here, you help yourself get through this way, and certainly help others share this pain as well. Wow.....

Justy