Bahh. I hate myself and my life, mostly myself.
My life is ok, I am not.

I don't want to be an annoyance for you guys. I know I can be really annoying. I hate myself for being annoying and for wanting to be annoying regardless.

I hate I am annoying and boring and lifeless and empty minded and emotionless. I read your support answers. They are so thoughtful and empathic, I could never write something like that in a million years. I am so detached and empty minded.

This sensation is exhausting and makes me feel restless.
And then I come back to the same place over and over again, and I wonder what's the purpose. And I mostly never feel good. If you leave me alone I feel bad, your energy is my fuel, otherwise I am lifeless, if you sit next to me and I feel anxious.

And I have the physical sensation my brain is missing something, probably my previous frontal cortex. I feel dumb.

It's been so many years.