T yesterday. He retrieved me, then said, "Wait, I have to grab my coffee." He came into his office with it and said, "You wouldn't recognize me without my coffee!" I said, "True!" He said, "Like I wouldn't recognize you without your fizzy water! If you didn't have that, I'd think maybe you were actually a robot." I said I should get some iced tea at the nearby coffeeshop next time. He said, "No, don't do that!" I said, "Then you'd think I was an LT clone!" We both laughed.

I said how he's always so prompt to get me (I was a couple minutes late this time and texted him to let him know, which he appreciated). He said if he's a couple minutes late, sometimes his client will text to confirm they do have an appointment that day. I said how with MC, I only started to wonder once it had been 15 minutes (he was often quite late). He said that sometimes, he ends up keeping a client for a little extra time, if it seems they need it, like if they were really upset at the very end of session.
I said I guessed we should continue alcohol conversation from two sessions ago and pulled out my list of "reasons to cut back/stop," "things I'd give up by cutting back/stopping," and "goals." Gave him a copy and had one for myself. Right away he said I had too many goals, and I said my thought was that I could work on them gradually, like one week at a time.

We started going through reasons I should stop/cut back. First two were health and my daughter. Then I listed various other ones. He asked if I'd gotten emotional while writing them, or if it had been more clinical. I said more clinical. He said that often people need some sort of emotional reason to quit. He asked if there was a particular thing on list that spoke to me, and I said my D. He said maybe I should look up stories of mothers who had, say, hurt their daughter in an accident while driving drunk, something like that, to emotionally connect. I said from what I'd learned in grad school (public health), those sorts of scare tactics don't generally work, like the anti-smoking ads showing people who'd had jaw cancer.

T said in his experience, it can work. He mentioned a client with a drinking problem who was late picking up his son from daycare because he was drinking at a bar. As he was pulling up, he saw his son there sobbing in the teacher's arms because he was late. And he never wanted to make his son feel that way again, so he stopped drinking.

He also shared a story of a client who was a smoker who wanted to save money to take a bus trip to see her grandkids. She figured out how much each cigarette cost, got rolls of coins from the bank, then put money in a jar for what she didn't smoke and saved up enough to visit them. So she was motivated by visiting family.

We talked some about things I'd be giving up by stopping/reducing drinking. A big one is something to help me with anxiety, including panic attacks and social anxiety. I said specifically how it helped with anxiety with eating out. He asked me about that more. I said how back when I started seeing ex-T over 6 years ago, I was extremely anxious about eating out, how I'd pretty much have a panic attack anytime I ate out. T asked how often I had them now in that situation. I said maybe once a month?

He asked what made me anxious. I said partly OCD contamination fears about food, but also that people were watching me, and if I started getting panicky, they'd wonder what was wrong with me. He asked if I meant general people in restaurant or just people at my table. I said both, but mostly people at my table. He asked how obvious I thought it was, and I mentioned some outward symptoms, like coughing, scratching my neck/throat. He said how most people probably wouldn't think anything was odd. I said true, as I often try to pass it off as allergies. But that in trying to hide it and cover it up, it can make it worse. I said how at a recent retreat for an organization that I serve on the board for, I basically had an hourlong panic attack. T was like, "Wow." I said how high my heart rate had gotten just from sitting (like 130, per my Fitbit). How I'd just met some of the new members that day and kept thinking they were probably wondering what was wrong with me (since I ran off to bathroom once or twice and barely ate anything).

Talked about how H can tell if I'm starting to panic, and would often seem to be getting annoyed, so then I'd try to conceal it, which again, made it worse. How I know I'm supposed to "ride the wave of the panic," which ex-T told me--a CBT thing--but how that doesn't work so well for me. T said that H is probably much more attuned to my signals, and I said yes. How I'll often be like, "I'm just coughing from a throat tickle, I'm not panicking."

I was crying during part of this--I guess I'd never really talked to this T about the extent of some of my panic/anxiety issues. He said, "I really feel for you in terms of how the anxiety will make it harder to stop drinking." It meant a lot that he said that because he seemed to really get it then. Like what I'm struggling with and part of why I drink.

It was near end of session, but we talked a bit more about things I'd be giving up by stopping drinking. This one probably seems a bit silly compared to some of the others, but I was saying how I felt really welcome at taprooms and bar/restaurants where we're regulars and shared some recent experiences, with servers/bartenders seemingly genuinely happy to see me/us, chatting with us, etc. T: "I would think a crackhouse could be really welcoming, too." Me: "..........Hm, good point."

I said how we were already scheduled for Friday and Monday. Went over and paid. He stood up this time to shake my hand and said, "Until we meet again." I replied, "Until then." He said he was going to follow me out to get next client (he doesn't usually). I opened waiting room door, and he said what I was expecting to be "thanks," so I said, "Sure," then realized he'd said "Take care," and was like, "Uh, you too."