I can't say that I have anything besides anger left. Believe me, I'm trying. I woke up bawling my eyes out this morning. Then I took a shower, and felt almost happy, made some plans to do something tomorrow. But the anger always comes back. Like I keep saying, it's just not worth it to try and be happy anymore. I've been trying to pick myself up for years... after my engagement fell apart. After my church family abandoned me (and I them, to be fair). After my real family abandoned me (and I chose to walk away from the more toxic members of them, to be fair).

Every new circumstance I go into, work, new friendships, whatever, I do my best to make friends, be pleasant. People just decide they hate me for whatever reason. There's got to be a reason, just like with J. I just don't know what it is. Sometimes it's "She just looks so unpleasant." Dude. This is my face. Sometimes it's "She's not friendly enough." Dude. I like to do my work on my own. My job is stressful; I like to focus. Sometimes it's "She just so weird." Yeah. I'll agree with that. Can't help it.

It's always something. I'm never going to be good enough for whatever group I go into. J, initially, made me feel like I was acceptable the way I was, mental illness and everything. Like I was worth having that dream of a home and a family. He made me feel like I was worth someone loving me enough to be patient with some of my insecurities and hangups. Because I'll always have them. I knew that, if it wasn't him, it wasn't going to be anyone. In the beginning, he was so patient. When I had my bad moments, he said, "It's okay. I don't take it personally. I know it's the illness. I know you still care about me. It's not you."

And it was all a lie. This one thing, this one person who had finally come along and gave me hope that I could live like a semi-normal person...it was all a lie. So I'm sorry, but I have nothing left but anger.