Ideation can pop into your head, but I don’t lay down and fantasize about it.
You need to get rid of those thoughts with more pleasurable fantasies.
Getting screwed up in childhood or whenever can have a lasting profound effect on your life. The thing is , how long are you going to be a victim ?
There’s only one person in your life who you need to count on , and that is YOU.
I think a lot of us strive for the protection and peace we had while we were in our moms belly ! But life ain’t in there. It’s out here. Where reality will eventually puts you in the ground. Where it can hurt you like you fantasize about. I’m not trivializing your feelings. But becoming self sufficient and having some peace of mind is on you. If your lucky you may get help. I hope you do.
Sometimes you just need some luck. Sometimes you have to make your own.
Use whatever’s available at your disposal to help yourself. I know these therapists many times don’t really give a damn about you. A good friend , who you can confide in can replace these so called professionals easily.
I know you’re in pain. I know what your looking for. And after a lifetime of my own experience taught me that if I don’t learn how to care for myself , then I will lay down and fantasize about how much I want out of this whole mess we call “life”.