I am very sorry for the ongoing pain that you are experiencing. I feel helpless to know to know how to comfort you in the face of your total conviction of belief in your own culpability. I wish that I could comfort you. In your posts here I find an articulate, intelligent, thoughtful person. I gather that you have a responsible job that requires a lot of skill and professionalism. Perhaps bringing these strengths to mind will help somewhat when you are feeling so down on yourself.

(((((graystreet)))))