((Moxie)), what you are describing is that you are struggling with not knowing what to do with the challenging emotions you struggle with. This can really affect one's personal sense of safety and as you have noticed, mental sense of well being too.

I did not fantasize about jumping off a bridge etc, however, I did go through a terrible period of being dangerously suicidal. What I began experiencing was dangerous "impulses" and I really was emotionally overwhelmed and suffering from PTSD and I genuinely felt that "my huge" emotional challenge was going to be a major imposition on others and I did not see any kind of true relief either. The reason I had gotten that bad was due to the constant messages I had been getting where others including professionals I had reached out to for help were telling me that I should not have valued and suffered so much emotionally about what I had lost and valued so much.

Moxie, a child deserves to feel "safe to feel". A child who is not "nurtured" is a child that is in a dysfunctional environment that affects them emotionally and there is no presence there that this child feels "safe" to run to and have help with the scary emotions that child is experiencing.

This would be "normal" to desire would it not? The "root" desire is to have other adults in one's environment that one can "feel" safe to sit with when in need of "emotional support". When I was experiencing those awful "impulses", that was something I did not have and desperately needed.

What helped me "slowly" actually see that about myself was finding a therapist that had the ability to actually see that in me when OTHERS I had reached out to had failed to help me with and instead tended to "criticize" me for needing and I really do have that all written down in my records too. I was "lucky" to find a therapist that was able to also see that and explain to me that YES, I HAD BEEN FAILED by the very people that were supposed to HELP ME and were supposed to actually SEE the CLEAR red flags I had been showing too.

The "fantasies" you have shared here are fantasies that are really about "deposing" of the emotions that you can't seem to find a way to stop from constantly challenging you.

Well, a good therapist is a therapist that you can spend time with that actually helps you sort through these deep "emotional" challenges that you never had the right help with and have gotten to the point where you really need the right help with so you can finally get the long overdue emotional relief to a lot of unresolved emotional challenges that you can no longer "ignore" or shut out from feeling.

One of the things I have learned about myself was that I was "emotionally" traumatized a lot in my childhood and I literally did not have "anyone" to help me with any of it. I knew what it was like to "feel" alone and scared and I got good at helping others, however, that really did not "fix" the amount of personal emotional traumas that I had in myself. I had no choice but to finally address it all when I faced a big enough trauma that I began to face a lot of my history in all these crippling flashbacks that began "intruding" me in a way I had never imagined experiencing.

These maladaptive thoughts or fantasies you experience will actually begin to weaken when you finally get the right help and support where you can finally sort through the emotional challenges you never had the right help with in your past. It can be exhausting at first, but, with time and patience you can experience gradual "healing" and can notice yourself making gains.