I somehow want to please everyone so much that I lie cause I want to upset them or make them feel bad about my screw ups. So I tell them something which isn't true in order to keep them happy and glad and try to fix the problems behind the curtain.

But since the problems are already fixed from other people's angle I'm kinda lazy on doing those problems. And I just want to be open about them, but I've gotten so accustomed to lying about it. I think it's cus I was very fragile as a child so whenever someone yelled at me or was disappointing it really hurt me bad.

Also at times I tell complete fairy stories about stuff which isn't real. I don't even know why do I do that. It's insane. The things might be really grandiose or really bragging how I'm doing good or from a rich background tho I'm really not that or not sure. Well at least not anymore. I always over-exaggerate things accidentally and then go like why did I say that thing? After it. Why do I keep doing this thing? I think it's cause I get a good feel from the thought and it kinda escalates out of control as a thought and I'm just reading it out loud and when it escalates out of control so easily I speak it out loud and in away it looks like a lie, but I didn't meant to lie or over exaggerate. And I get so lost in the thought I'm reading out loud that it takes me a few minutes to come down from it and when I do it's just far too embarrassing to come out of it that it wasn't exactly true.

Also at times it just hurts so bad to tell the truth on things that I just rather lie, but that doesn't work at all either cause it just makes things worse cause it doesn't change the reality. It just causes it to remain the same expect I lied. In away again I don't do that cause I wanted to lie. But I want things to be good and fine so bad that I in away imagine that they were good and read out my thoughts again how I was wish it was again cause I'm just so fragile that I fall apart if I disappoint people so I rather imagine them the way they should be and try to fix them behind the scenes.

I just wish I could stop with the lying, I really don't enjoy it at all.