T today. I'd sent him an e-mail after last session saying how we needed to talk about how my drinking may also be a sort of self-destructive thing. Like about feeling like I'm not worthy of the things in my life. Went back and sat down. We both remarked on the dark clouds outside. He said how he doesn't like looking outside too much, notices the plastic bags stuck in trees. I said how we have one stuck in a tree by our house. He said he guesses there are less of them now that people use more reusable bags. I said I always intend to use them, then forget to take them to store. He asked if I reuse them. I said yes. He said, "OK, then!"

I said how my caring about the environment came from my 7th grade science teacher, who I had a crush on. How he'd show his classes The Lorax and have to sit in the back because it made him cry. T said how some Dr. Seuss books are just silly, but other ones have an emotional impact. He mentioned The Lorax, Horton Hears a Who, and The Grinch as in that category. I said maybe your kid wouldn't understand the deeper meaning. He said, "Yeah, they'd be like, 'Why is Mommy crying?'" Then he said how as a kid, he always had an issue with the "lifted himself up by the seat of his pants" line. Because how could you do that? I said, "Sounds like you were a very logical kid," and he laughed.

The e-mail came up. He said he wasn't really sold on the whole self-destructive aspect of my drinking. So I'd need to sell him on it. Which...bothered me. I tried to explain it, but think I failed miserably. He said how it seemed like drinking was more of a positive thing for me. How I associated it with being connected to H. And how it helped me deal with my anxiety.

I said yes, but I thought it helped me deal with other feelings, too. How I often felt like...OK, it was like I wanted to be there for a long time for my daughter. But it wasn't so much that I wanted to be alive for me. Like...I sometimes thought about 40 more years of this, and it was really depressing (crying at this point). T tried to clarify what I meant, like dealing with things as they are now? I said yes. That I knew everything wouldn't be the same, but still...It's like I have this sort of feeling where I'm not sure I want to be alive. Not that I would actively do anything. How it's more passive, if that makes sense. I forget what T said to that. He seemed empathic, though.

I said how sometimes I felt like I didn't deserve things. How I'd never really wanted kids until suddenly I was like, "You know what? I think I do want to have a kid." And then went off the pill, and I was pregnant less than 2 months later. I said how it didn't seem fair, how friends had dealt with infertility, had to do IVF. While I got pregnant so quickly. How at 13 weeks--I gave him TMI warning--I had bleeding and was like, "Well, this is it!" But then was fine. And felt guilty for friends who'd had miscarriages, too. But I carried D to term. And then when we learned she was on the autism spectrum, part of me was like, "Ah, I knew something had to happen." (I felt awkward saying that, knowing T also has a child on the spectrum.)

Talked about magical thinking a bit (like from OCD, where thinking things can make stuff happen). How I'd worried that thoughts I'd had led to bad things happening to people. Especially the death of H's friend. T asked me to explain why I felt my thoughts had led to that. I tried to say how he had bothered me, taken up too much of H's time, was negative about our relationship. But then also mentioned the various major health issues he'd had. And T was saying how it wasn't me.

More magical thinking stuff, my saying certain things I got weren't fair. That I didn't deserve them over other people. T said, tongue planted firmly in cheek, "I'm not sure if I'm the first person to tell you this, LT, but life isn't fair." I kinda laughed and said he wasn't the first to say that. But that if he was, that would have been a rather depressing thing to share. Isn't he supposed to make me feel better? T laughed. I brought up when in a past session he'd said how we all die alone. He said, "Why did I say that?" I said I didn't know, that maybe he was in an existential place that day, but it certainly didn't make me feel better! He apologized.

I said how I guessed I should be talking about the drinking thing. T said, "Yeah sorry, I kind of derailed us again." I said: "No I think that was just as much me as you." T: "OK, so it was both of us then!" Me: "It's a wonder we're in the vicinity of the tracks at all!" We both laughed.

This is out of order, I think, but I mentioned having been at D's IEP meeting (to determine services she'll get at school next year because of her autism diagnosis) Wednesday, and how it had gone well. He said, "Good!" I thanked him. Said I'd gotten really panicky in last 10 minutes because room was hot and I was anxious. And how speech therapist said that's common in that room. I said how I often tend to get panicky near the end of stuff, how I can make it almost all the way through, then get really anxious.

T said how that happens to him, too (first time he'd referenced his own anxiety in the 6 months I've been seeing him). He said it can be a 4-hour drive, and he gets anxious just in last 20 minutes. Or, how he didn't want to use example with us, but in general, in a 50-minute session, at 45-minute mark, he'd be trying to think about how to wrap up and might be anxious there. How on a 6-hour flight, he'd be anxious only in last 30 minutes. I said it made me feel better that he reacted that way, too, how maybe it was normal. He said, "I don't know, it might just be the two of us who react this way!" Which...surprised me that he'd say that. Because it was a connection there. I figured he'd be more likely to just say "Yeah, it's a common thing." I said I doubted that, how it was probably more common.

Panic attacks came up, particularly as related to drinking. T said how there is an interplay between physical and mental stuff in them. I agreed. He mentioned a T he'd heard of who would have their client get on a treadmill, because that would imitate how they felt in a panic attack. Then have them come down from it. Then get on treadmill again. I said, "You're not going to make me get on a treadmill next session, right?" He said no. I said good, that I didn't like them. He said how they can be dangerous and gave account of how his friend's daughter got seriously injured on one. I did mention how H had just gotten an exercise bike, so T said maybe I could try that for working on anxiety stuff. I said maybe.

T said again how panic attacks involve physical sensations plus mental stuff and how they play off each other. I agreed, saying how it can escalate. He said that bringing down the physical part can bring down the mental part. I said that was interesting, because ex-T had tried to get me to bring down the mental part, like "ride the wave of anxiety," and how that never really worked. So working on physical part could maybe help, since different approach? But how did that work, just breathing stuff?

T said how part of it is finding a posture where you're really relaxed. He demonstrated sitting in his chair a certain way, explaining how his head and neck were aligned, how his legs were relaxed. I sort of tried to do that, and he said he knew it was hard to do on his couch, how that tended to lead to bad posture. He said how certain breathing exercises could help, that there were three he used with athletes. I said how ex-T had used relaxation exercises with me in the past, but they took up half the session. He said these were different, how they could fit into, say, a timeout in a game.

Then he proceeded to demonstrate each of them. One included more consistent deep breathing over a few minutes. The next was a shorter breath in, longer out, then repeat, then a medium breath in, even longer breath out. Then the last, used for short breaks, just a single slow breath in and out. It was kind of weird watching him demonstrate them--kind of...intimate? And we were basically right at the end of session at that point, too.

We confirmed Monday's session (he asked why he didn't have me in for Tuesday, and I said we'd scheduled for Monday instead due to D and H's schedules), then we scheduled for next Friday. Went over and paid, while I was talking about Amazon's same-day shipping being good for the "Easter Bunny." H shook my hand and was like, "Have a good weekend...it is Friday, right?" I said yes. He said, "Have a good Easter, too." I said (being like 99% sure he's Jewish though he's never confirmed), "Uh, you too? And have a good weekend."