thank you for sharing how you're feeling with us--it sounds like you're struggling to come to terms with self-doubt around how you're feeling, so I'm grateful that you were able to share your experiences here.

your feelings are all totally valid! as someone who experiences a lot of self-doubt around my feelings myself, I know it can be hard, but I hope you're able to hold on to a little bit of trust in your ability to name how you feel. it's totally not stupid to feel this way and you're not to blame for how you're feeling. we (members of the forum) are here and listening.

I don't want to tell you what to call this experience and won't push any specific language on you, but if your experience is making things difficult enough for you to want to hurt yourself, then I think it's definitely worth taking time to tend to yourself/these feelings as real and valid experiences that you don't need to just "get over." taking time to write this thread means some little part of you knows it's worth it to take care of these feelings. and from what I'm hearing, what's important is that you are safe right now in ways that work for you--this can look like reaching out to peers or mental health professionals if you're comfortable (even just saying that you're not sure about how you're feeling but are experiencing x and y), or taking time to really nurture yourself / these feelings as valid and real.

<3