He always asks about work first. I'd find it odd, but my job is the biggest source of my stress right now, I guess. I talked about my inconsiderate co-teacher. How when I was headed to work I said, "okay, time to figure this out." By the time I got to work I had a plan, checked out the book I needed from the library, annotated my note pages, etc. The period I was worried about comes around. We finish the first activity, was 2-3 minutes away from starting the "I'm by myself" plan and my co-teacher walks in. I was pissed for a minute, then realized that was silly because I was getting what I originally wanted: to do small group.

Bubbles was really quiet during my story, then asked a few clarification questions at the end. Then he says, "okay, here's what I heard in that story. You were justified in your anger when you saw the text. Maybe you were being 'extra,' but whatever. You were able to calm down independently in a reasonable amount of time given your level of anger. Once you started your work day you were able to formulate and execute a back up plan. Then you were given another challenge when your co-teacher walked in. But instead of escalating, you quickly transitioned back to the original plan, and none of your personal stuff affected your students. That's impressive. Really. The level of resiliency is great."

I sat there in silence for a second before I mumbled "damn," then started to retreat back into thought. Bubbles sat with the silence an adequate amount of time before asking what I was thinking. I said that was a pretty lofty compliment, and I wasn't doing a good job with compliments today. He said he disagreed; I paused instead of dismissing what he said out of hand.

I told him about the conversation I had with my stepmother on the way to see him. Was telling her about the compliment I'd gotten at work, how I was trying to soak that in. My stepmother said that'd I'd worked so hard to get where I'm at. That I deserve the success and recognition that I've begun to receive. How she and my dad are so proud of me.

I said that statement made me feel incongruent. How it made me sad that my dad was proud of me. He asked why I thought it was a feeling of sadness. I said that maybe I wanted him to say it instead of her, or maybe that he didn't say it enough when I was young. Bubbles asked what I did when my stepmother said that. I said I shed a few tears, got solemn and quiet. My stepmother asked if I was still there, which brought me back to the present. That it was upsetting because I didn't have the full opportunity to sit in that sadness.

"Well, I mean you were operating a car, so..."

I said that I dissociate while I drive all the time anyway, that I wanted to talk to him about that. He said, "yes, we're probably thinking the same thing right now. You asked me to ask you about the car." I didn't remember bringing that up last time, so I was surprised. He turned his legal pad around and pointed at the line. I do want to read his notes someday.

I told him about the car accident I was in when I was 15. How I stopped going to drivers ed after, and wasn't ready to go back until I had to. Bubbles thanked me for sharing the story and could see how having such a major accident at a formative time like that could be impactful. We did the math and I don't remember 6-7 hours from that day. Whether I had a concussion or was in a deep dissociative state was irrelevant. He said that this sounded like a good first target when we're ready to delve into EMDR. I laughed and said that's why I would have wanted to ask. Because I don't remember any of it, could we process it? He said absolutely. That he liked this idea because it would be a good concrete trauma to deal with. That way I could build trust in the process before getting into the other little t issues. That he wouldn't be able to promise that I wouldn't go to little t stuff on my own, but we'd play it by ear. That my body definitely remembers the accident, even if my mind doesn't. I said it's fascinating that my commute to work is so long. "I was just appreciating the irony of that myself. You must really love your job."

He said that the session so far felt different. That we were talking about some pretty heavy things and I was managing my anxiety well. That we'd talked about smaller things and it was more difficult for me. I said that I'd just decided that I didn't want my lack of trust to stand in the way of some big insights that were coming up. There was something else I wanted to delve into. He said that he wanted to explore this for a minute first. That it's impressive that by making the cognitive choice to do something that it reflected so well in my emotional state. That it was congruent. How he was glad that I was able to sit in the session today and be so open. I agreed. The session so far felt nice. How he would probably hurt me like everyone else, but until then...

He said that I was right. That he would hurt me eventually. He's only human, after all. That if therapy robots were a thing, that they'd be way better at it and he'd be out of a job. I got perturbed, took maybe 30 seconds to breathe. Then I said that reminded me of the old one. Before Bubbles let me tell the story, he said he was impressed that I was able to bounce back so quickly, because whatever I was thinking obviously stirred up some negative emotions.

I told him the story of how RoboT came to be known as RoboT. Bubbles was not amused. He said that sounded like a more passive boundary cross. That he was beginning to understand how the self disclosure from RoboT was troublesome. That for whatever reason, his baggage couldn't stay out of the room. I laughed and agreed. It's why I don't trust any of those wily therapist types.

He said it made him sad. That self disclosure, when done right, could be a really helpful therapy tool. We talked about the why for a moment. Bubbles said that he knew there was something else I wanted to talk about, but this was a good segue into one of his notes. I said okay, you first. He asked me about in light of the conversation we were having about self disclosure, had I thought more about our conversation last week about authenticity. I said not really. That I still felt the same way then that I had last week. I asked him for information, and he gave it to me. How that I understood why he was hesitant to disclose those negative feelings, because most of the time that would damage an alliance. But the difference was that I had the intuition that he'd had those feelings, and for my sanity I needed to know that my perception was accurate.

Then we moved onto my thing. The other conversation we had last week was about how I felt like the people closest to me see me as this basket case. How I'm mentally ill. I had a feeling toward the end of the conversation that I might be projecting. So I talked to H and my stepmother about it. That they both agreed that I have moments that aren't good, and how my mental illness will likely remain with me, that I've improved so much.

Bubbles asked how that made me feel, and I said sad. That external forces are easier to deal with internal forces. That I have this image of myself as ill, and that's not the person that I want to be. He said he was very impressed that I was able to recognize that as a projection. How some people can take years to come to that realization.

He said he was really impressed with me today. That I was making connections, coping well, etc. The work I was doing was kickass. I rolled my eyes. "That irritates you. Why?"

I said that I thought he continued to view me incorrectly. That he viewed me in the light of VDay, and how those moments for me are so few and far between. That on a scale of 1-10, VDay was a 1, today was a 7. He said, "so you think I'm over praising you because that night biased the way I perceive you?" I agreed and he made a "huh" noise and wrote something down. "How would you like me to change the way that I handle those moments, then? I felt it important to express how proud I am of your work, but I don't want to upset you."

I said that I didn't want him to change. That being able to express how I feel in these moments is probably very therapeutic given my issues. He chuckled at that. "I'm so very glad that you said that. I was thinking the same thing before I asked the question. You really have done some good work today."

Time was about up, so he asked me what I was up to for spring break. I mentioned that I was checking out a new restaurant with a coworker, and he wrote that down. Probably D&D on Monday. He said that it sounded like I had good plans. We scheduled, paid, then left. As I left he said "really good work today."