Wow thank you for understanding my side of things, my perception. I wish I could recapture the sense of mission and possibility we once shared, but I lost it and cant find it again. My T, bc he is a good T, has a deep belief in The Work as he calls it, but I am starting to opt out bc the relationship doesnt feel plausible to me anymore as something real.

It is very Dorothy ,oz, curtain, except my T is a great guy and not a disappointment in any way. Dorothy had to go back to her real life and I think I have to go back to putting my best energy into mine.

I think the tears were for some fantasy relationship in which I tell T secrets I never told anyone , and he is THERE for me in a sense no one ever could be. He encouraged that kind of hopefulness, bc he seems to truly believe in the efficacy of what he does, that wrongs maybe cant be righted but can be integrated, and people can go free of their weighty pasts.

I dont doubt that can happen in some really either epic or dogged collaborations between T and patient, but I dont see us being that pairing. It takes so much energy away from my real relationship, bc T has my full attention both in and outside session, but that is like tires spinning in deep snow or investing in junk bonds. He talks so much about The Relationship , but is there even one? I feel like a ducking who imprinted on a science experiment .

A poster win the thread put her finger on the problem that I evade myself by focusing on T. I am too hyper vigilant and frightened by sharing things to male figure who never becomes more known/knowable in one sense, so I dont relax and look at myself complexly enough. I does make me appreciate my real-life relationship with its reciprocity .

I dont think therapy isnt like my T experiences it from his chair, but I do think I am not a good candidate for therapy this kind with the neutral stance.

I do want to reel it in, but there's such a distancing I have done by accident. I hope this is a phase or stage.