Hi there!

My first intake is a month away. The intake is a precursor to a psychiatric evaluation, which I'm supposed to schedule with the therapist after our intake is over. So far I've gone through two phone screenings and one previous intake at a training center. I was unable to be treated there because I needed extensive and structured therapy, as well as both a therapist and a psychiatrist working together to help me. During this first intake I was told I might benefit from dialectical behavior therapy, another one that I think was called acceptance/response therapy, and (if my memory serves) CBT.

One of the phone screenings was for a paid research program that gave subjects with depression six months of medication management and some money. During the screening the researcher asked if I had ever been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I said no but based on my history it does make sense. I was ineligible for the program.

As I continue to find resources and support, I also consider some other things that have bothered me. For example, my all or nothing, mostly toxic romantic relationships, physical manifestations of anxiety, [ trigger ] and violent thoughts, dreams, fantasies with persistent suicidal ideation. I often feel like there's another part of me that is trying to kill me or wants me to suffer/die, while another part attempts to save me, and another still that desperately wants someone to notice me but can:t say anything. [ /trigger ]

I want to be careful not to go into my next intake assuming that I already know what's up, which is tough too because I've studied psychology and aim to pursue it as a career. But my fear is that I'll get in my own way. At the same time, I'm desperate to understand what's going on and while I can distract myself, it's comforting to figure out what I'm trying to manage. I've tried to distract myself, but it doesn't work.

How can I learn more about what's going on with me without compromising my first intake? I don't want to self-diagnose but I do want to understand what's happening to me.

Thanks so much!