I've posted about this before so apologies for being repetitive, but today feels particularly hard to deal with and I'm really, really anxious. A few weeks ago I was snooping on the internet and I found out that my T *might* be moving to a new country. I say *might* because what I found out wasn't directly about him, but about his partner. I can't directly ask him about it because I'm really ashamed of having snooped and I'd feel bad bringing up his partner in session (he doesn't disclose much and I don't think he'd appreciate my cyberstalking).

Finding this out has pushed me to admit I see him as a father figure and I spoke about my fear of abandonment. He reassured me that he doesn't feel like he can't help me and ever since then he hasn't mentioned anything about leaving. He's also still taking new patients, so I'm hoping that even if he will be moving with his partner, he won't do so straight away.

I'm going through a really, really, really rough patch at the moment and the idea of not having weekly appointments with him make me so anxious, my stomach feels like it's going to drop out. I know that being too attached to him isn't exactly healthy, but at the moment he really is my rock. I haven't disclosed the extent of my attachment, but I guess he can tell. I'm worried that he might turn around next week and drop the "by the way, I'm leaving" bomb and I won't be able to deal with it. I don't want another therapist (I realize this makes me sound super childish). I think I'll give up therapy altogether if he leaves. I thought he'd be with me long term. I don't want the pattern to repeat again: me getting attached to someone and them leaving mewhen I need them most. I can't do it again.

The only glimmer of hope I'm getting is that he's still taking on new patients and he hasn't mentioned anything about leaving. Surely is his departure would be two months away he wouldn't start with new patients, right? Or maybe I'm just kidding myself.

This whole thing is making me super anxious and I don't know how to deal with it.