First of all, please bare with me. I struggle with words/thoughts and tend to be long winded. I apologize for this but it's the best I can do.

I completed a PHP about a week ago. I actually left feeling worse than when I started. I'm not sure what I expected but I walked away with dark thoughts and even new ways of ending it. I have not acted on those impulses, I just shove them to the back of my mind, I must add that the pile is getting pretty high. I was hoping for some sound guidance from the program, but I left empty, confused, bewildered and highly suicidal. The coping, meditating and other techniques learned elude me and seem stupid. I never got to deal with the problem(s) and there are many. Maybe inpatient would have been better? Maybe I would have found that miracle doctor with the right concoction of drugs? Maybe even a social worker would have stepped up making sure all of my issues were addressed, medical, mental and financial.

I will be unemployed soon and have no prospects and because of my instability I don't see a way out other than to just throw in the towel and surrender. I strongly agree with myself and am taking this route.

I know I can't deal with this. It's just too much! I do have mental/financial support of my spouse and family but I can't and will not be a burden to anyone...not any more. I've lived my whole entire life depending on others, totally worthless to others and myself, never accomplished anything other than raising a daughter and I didn't do a good job with that either...She has issues stemming from my bipolar etc..

I don't even have the know how or desire to seek SSD and I've been told that I would qualify. I tried once and because I worked they denied me with out even looking at my health. I've worked my entire life, since the age of 13 and I've nothing to show for it...no savings, no nothing and I accept full responsibility for my stupidity. I am my problem clearly.

I think the only reason I am still alive is because my death would be a financial burden to my spouse...I have no life insurance and when I tried to get it, because of a stroke they declined me...told me that I had to live without incident for 5 years...health blew that out of the water because I developed another aneurysm.

Folks, my hand and feet are severed. What am I suppose to do? My health insurance offered me another session in PHP or an IOP...I declined. I told the nice lady that I had given up. I stopped all meds, therapy and will cancel all future dr's appt after seeing cardiologist and I'm only seeing him hoping that he will say that the aneurysm has grown and is inoperable...sweet success.

I'm hoping to find a job so that I can start saving enough money $2000 to be cremated. I've instructed family that in the event of my death, please do not have a memorial service, but gather together as they so pleased. My candidness has pushed them and others further away..so be it!

I've surpassed morbid thinking and am obsessed with lifting heavy crap to make aneurysm rupture...I have a way out. I am also hearing the voice of the nice lady from health insurance, telling me that it's okay that I continue out patient treatment, that I clearly need the help...don't give up, it will take some time etc... and I also clearly hear my voice telling me..."Just let go fool, you're the only one hanging on".