My Support Forums - View Single Post - Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXX

LabRat27 · Apr 01, 2018, 03:16 PM

T,

Possible trigger:

You seemed to understand the whole self harming to the point that it requires medical attention partly out of a desire for comfort/caring and attention thing.
You seemed taken off guard though when I admitted that I wanted it to bother people. You asked me to explain and I tried my best.
Do you understand it now? If so please explain it to me because I sure as hell don't get it and it makes me feel guilty.

I hate that I want to know this, and I hate that I want the answer to be yes, but does it bother you when I self harm? Do you feel any emotion when I tell you about getting dozens of stitches at a time?

If I didn't think it would be attention seeking and manipulative, I'd show you my sutures and staples. What would you think if I asked you if I could show you? They'll be out by the next time I see you, but the wounds and all my other scars will still be there.
Would you react? Would it be worse than you thought? Would the idea of me doing that to myself bother you in more than a detached clinical way?
Would you tell me that I don't deserve this kind of punishment? Would you tell me that you wish I wouldn't do this to myself?

I also finally admitted that I specifically want these things from male figures. I tried to distance myself from it by talking about gender socialization and trying to analyze it like an outsider observing. It's definitely something I hate admitting, and it was pretty obvious I was ashamed.
I'm sure you realized that you're male (duh). Did this creep you out? Are you now worried that I chose a male therapist for this reason? I really didn't, it's that I can't bring myself to say things to a female therapist. Do we need to talk about this?