And I am so ...so mad at the part of myself that can't let him go. Can't let go of the hot coal that STILL burns me.

All because of the fostered NEED. The fostered dependence.

And the parts of me that think he didn't even mean to hurt me this much - he just doesn't know, doesn't understand how much he's hurt me - if he knew, he'd be appalled...

But it's not true.

He doesn't want to know, for one.

The only way to keep him in my life is to shut up about it.

I. Hate. Myself.
I hate myself.
I hate that I can't hate him.