T today. Sat down, I briefly shared how Easter went (good). I said something kinda bad happened Friday shortly after our session though. Looking concerned, he asked what. I said how one of my two freelance jobs had told me they'd be cutting our pay (it's complicated--the work process is changing a bit, with some of it outsourced). T gave a genuine, "I'm sorry. I'm sure that's upsetting." Then he was trying to clarify which of the jobs it was--the way he asked showed he was paying attention to stuff I'd said before. He made a point that hadn't occurred to me--how maybe it affected my self-worth, because it didn't feel that the people I work for value me as much (I've freelanced for them for 7 years).

I said it also didn't help that I'd gotten in fight with H about it. That I wanted him to be understanding, and instead he was saying how I had to get away from freelance work anyway. (I won't go into all the details behind it--it's not the first time we've had such an argument, I do eventually plan to return full-time, but I'm in midst of career change post grad school, so not as simple. Freelance work is in former field.) And some other stuff that didn't make me feel any better. T said it sounded like H had an agenda, and he was just using this to push his agenda. I said, yeah, it does kind of seem like that. He suggested I talk more directly to him about it, like what was he getting at with his comments?

I said I'd also made error of talking to my mom about it when she called today, that I should know better than to talk to her about such things. T gave a little laugh and was like, "Unless you want to be disappointed, right?" I smiled and said yeah.

I was crying a bit in there and realized the tissue box was empty. I asked T if he had others, he pointed to a table. I went to get that box, and he said, "Could you throw the empty box in front of the door?" I said, "You mean in the trash can by the door?" He said, "No in front of the door. That way I won't forget to get more." I tossed it there, and he said, "Perfect," and I sat back down with the other box.

T asked some questions about what exactly I do want to ultimately do (like specific job titles, etc.) Then he shared some thoughts on how to determine how I could get there, including sort of a different way of approaching networking than I'd heard described. I won't bore you all with it. He did check in partway through to make sure I was finding it helpful, and I said yes (I did). Though for one analogy he used, he started by saying, "Imagine a room filled with cobwebs." I was like, "Ugh." He said, "Not a fan of spiders?" I said, "No, but the webs bother me more." So he switched to a different metaphor.

We had maybe 20 minutes left. I said I guessed I should bring up how we'd probably be terminating with MC on Wednesday. T said it seemed I had resolved some of the stuff with MC--did I not think we'd be able to work through some of the marriage counseling stuff (like thing with H that came up today) with him? I said, crying, that I didn't think so. That I didn't trust that he'd listen to me and not just agree with H. How it's really just in general that I don't trust him anymore, like he's lost my trust.

I said it was weird, because I feel really ambivalent about him, but here I am crying. (I realized after session that I think the crying was partly about something else.) That I felt so intensely for him, and now it's just like there's nothing. So why am I crying? T said sometimes if someone feels very strongly for someone else and that feeling goes away, they can feel sad that the feeling is gone. I said that made sense. And how he'd said before that it can be like grieving.

He said he had an analogy from his life that he thought sort of fit. I was afraid (and OK a bit curious) that he was going with a failed romantic relationship, but it was actually a professional one. Early in his career, he went to work in this woman's practice. She'd clearly wanted someone more experienced. She basically made it so he couldn't want to stay. She didn't help him build his practice or mentor him. Didn't help him at all. Yet when he opted to leave 6 months later, she was like, "I'm glad you're leaving on your own terms." But he said (to me) that he really wasn't. Then he said maybe that example didn't really fit. I said, "Well, it does kinda fit a little. I think I just need to think about what you said."

He explained that maybe it was a bit like that with MC. How yes, MC said we could keep seeing him if we wanted. But...because of some of the stuff that happened...maybe it's not just me. Not like he was forcing me/us out, but was at the same time making it difficult to stay. I said that actually made some sense. T said he could tell that I'd come to realize it wasn't just my fault, that it was also some of MC's reactions to things. I said yes, I think I had come to realize that it wasn't just on me.

I said I wasn't even sure what a termination session would involve. He said hadn't I terminated with ex-T? I said not really, that I just went in one session and told her I'd made an appointment with him, that I was probably just going to see him for a month or two, then go back to her. But if I decided to stay with him, I'd go back to her for termination session. But I never did, even though we'd discussed doing that in Feb. I said I felt like I'd be doing it for her, not me, like I owed her that because I let so abruptly after 6 years. He said it should be what's in my interest, not the therapist's. I said yes.

T said how he's heard from a few clients who abruptly terminated like that a year or so after they left, generally to thank him for their work together and to say they're doing well, stuff like that. I said I guessed it was probably good to know they hadn't
I said I wasn't sure what we should talk about in a termination session with MC. That in a more normal marriage counseling situation (which this isn't because of all the transference stuff), I'd think we would spend the time talking about how we were when we started and where we are now. T said that's what they teach you in grad school, but he's only had a handful of termination sessions actually be like that. How usually the actual "termination" part only takes 15 minutes or so. He suggested I just see how things go. I said that's what I was planning.

I saw we were out of time. He confirmed my Friday appointment, then we scheduled for regular day of next Tuesday. Went over to pay, both lamented how the weather had gotten colder. While shaking hands, he said "Have a good one." I replied, "You too." Then he said, "Good luck" (I'm guessing referring to MC.) I said thanks. Then asked if he wanted me to do anything with the tissue box. "It's perfect where it is." "OK, bye!"