thanks for all your replies ...
i hurt like hell..just point blank.
decided to not try to figure it out .
it just reinforces every negative emotion or feelings a person can have.

thinking i will go to the desert after my sons wedding in march ..
just sit in the mountains and watch the sky turn colors.
maybe then i can breathe.
maybe i can capture it in a painting and remember the world is still a beautiful place to be .. with ot without ppl.

not going to question anymore .. they all have their own set of reasons that i am not worth being a friend to or wife to or daughter to or anything to..

imagine all the ppl - living life in peace..
you may say i'm a dreamer
but i'm not the only one
i hope some day you'll join me
and the world will be as one..

peace out.