I've been tense and upset all weekend. I'm grateful for what little money I receive but finding a job is always triggering and mentally/emotionally exhausting. Right now I'm just trying to find a stable job with benefits so I can afford to treat both my physical and mental issues. But whenever I get into the job search process, I become so ****ing obsessed. I'm in this place where I don't make enough money and feel ashamed about it because I can do better, and stuck in a position where I'm afraid to get a job that's too overwhelming. It gives me anxiety. Then it just all seems so hopeless, like no matter what I do I can't/don't feel any better about myself or situation. Somehow just living a close to normal life seems unachievable and I feel like it's my fault.

It's been hard for me to sit down and think of other options, like getting medicaid in the meantime. I get tension headaches. And they get worse. Sleep is the only thing I look forward to and many nights I just want to sleep forever and not wake up.

I live just close enough to a big city where there are more opportunities but it costs an arm and a leg to get there. I could try and find a smaller, simpler job where I am but the outcome's always the same. Nothing ****ing changes.

Man, I have to go dogwalk soon and I feel like not going. If I get a job interview, I'll blow off dogwalking - I'm trying my hardest to fight that impulse. It always happens and it's like someone else inside takes control. I love walking dogs, too. It's the brief moment where I can care/focus on someone else. But I feel like I'm holding onto nothing.

I can't wait for something to change.