That was a tough session. R reassured me that we ought to be able to work something out with regard to my meeting and scheduling thereafter. She was pleased that I got through Easter, and said that she did think of me.

Then I told her about the experience on Good Friday, or started to…
‘As you know, where we left it last week, I was preparing for Sunday. I didn’t expect Good Friday.’
‘What happened on Good Friday?’
‘Well, this ties in with my experience…there I go again…’
‘If you want me to, I can be a bit more directive. I don’t really feel comfortable, because I don’t want to be too teacher-like: ‘Lost, you said you wanted to talk about Good Friday, why aren’t you? But if that would help…’
‘Yes, I think that would be useful.’
‘What happened on Good Friday?’
‘I went to pottery class and the morning was fine. It was just me and the tutor. I made a point of not talking about my experience in the lead up to Easter. Then another student turned up and said “I’m just going to use the loo before we start.” She disappeared for about ten minutes and then came back: “I couldn’t use the loo because it’s engaged and the emergency light is on. Somebody must be in trouble.”

At this, an expression of sadness, concern and understanding flashed across R’s face.

‘And I was left fending off you know what.’
‘So it wasn’t anything to do with the present moment?’
‘No, the present moment fell away altogether, and I was in that “She called me into the bathroom…” I wanted to run, but I was sitting there trying to breathe.’
‘Lost, I feel like I am asking a lot of questions today, but it feels wrong to say that I understand. I am trying to – can you tell me a little more about what it is like for you at night? I know you have said it is like a film.’

‘It is like watching a film and being in it at the same time. I experience all of the emotions, but I have no agency.’
‘It sounds as though it always starts from the same place. Can you explain to me what you see?’
‘She called me into the bathroom to help with something, and then collapsed’…and the film starts there.’

‘Do you see the collapse?’

‘I do, and then it gets frantic. I see them working.’

‘Them?’

‘The emergency services. I think there is some stuff from a previous crisis mixed in there…’We nearly lost her three times in the back of the ambulance. Then the rest of that week gets a little hazy until the morning of the 15th, with everyone around the…bed, and her…’ I reached for R’s hand ‘…slipping in and out of consciousness.’
‘There’s a lot of “Nobody in their right mind would subject another human being to that” going through my head at the moment…and especially knowing.’

‘It strikes me that it is the beginning and the end that have stayed with you. As somebody who struggles with medical information – you haven’t really gone into why, and it doesn’t sound as though you have experienced anybody having medical difficulties in front of you – this sounds like your worst nightmare, and there is also the sense of ‘It didn’t happen, so why am I so affected by it.’
R then asked whether there was an ideal response I would have wanted if I had been able to reach out.
I explained that I considered asking for the words, but based on my prior experience I didn’t feel it would give me what I needed.
‘And when I say them to myself, it sounds threatening.’
‘Pull yourself together, you’re safe!’
‘Exactly. I talk to myself the way you’d discipline a dog.’
‘You talk to yourself the way you’d discipline a dog?’ She continued
‘It’s a big idea, but I’m going to own it. Your greatest tool is you . I would ask you to put your LOTTness… I’m making up words today, but put that caring and compassion into practice. How would you react if somebody else was in that situation?’
‘It’s something I need to work on.’
I struggled when asked how I was feeling, as there was a lot going through my head. I am frustrated that I don’t trust myself enough to connect with my emotions. Like I said at the beginning of session: ‘Here I am with an opportunity to talk about it, and yet I’m not.’