Honestly, this is a bit confusing. While women are allowed by society to be a lot more open and experimental about their sexuality and just generally what can arouse them, I think that since it's been a common theme to find sexual release and imagine sex with women, it is likely more than just fantasy without any actual desire.

For ex, I've watched a lot of gay male porn and masturbated to it but I never fantasized about it despite identifying as non-binary and being attracted to both men and women.

If I were to hypothesize I think it is possible your lack of real life desire to be with a woman may more about something holding you back mentally ,than about you being straight. Or you could be on the asexuality spectrum.



Does sexuality include thoughts? Of course it does. First of all, thinking about something is the first step towards making it real. You won't have sex with someone without thinking(more or less consciously) that you want to have sex with them, right? Plus, don't we generally get a sense of our sexuality by analyzing our thoughts and feelings regarding those around us and other stimuli?

Why exactly are you so adamant you're never going to make those erotic stimuli real? Think about it beyond your experiences so far. What makes you think 100% you will never meet a woman you'll feel that desire for? Is it a more generalized lack of sexual attraction/desire for sex with actual people/women or could it be a mix of maybe being someone who feels that kind of attraction less frequently and something making you reluctant to perhaps allow yourself to feel that way for a woman?



Yes, sexuality is very confusing. The thing about labels is that they are all made up, they're just terms we use to try and give a short, more organized definition of how one is feeling. There's so many nuances though. Even being straight isn't that clear cut. Some straight women tend to be more attracted to stereotypically manly men, other tend to be more attracted to less stereotypical looking/behaving men. Some straight women want to try sex with a woman and can be aroused having sex with a woman while at the same time recognizing that it's based on superficial desire and curiosity rather than a more serious sexual/romantic attraction.

Same with bisexuality/pansexuality. There's no one way to be bisexual/pansexual. You can be bisexual and happen to only date one gender. You can be bisexual and have a preference for one or the other. You can even live your life thinking you're straight and end up falling in love with someone of the same gender when you're like 40.

Point is, your sexuality just is, it is what it is and it doesn't necessarily need a label just like it doesn't need to perfectly fit in the designated parameters of a label. You should just feel and follow your heart and desires.
I am much like you said. I was born and sadly still live in a country that is not as progressive and open minded as other countries in the north/north west of the same continent(yes, Europe). So, being a designated female who sort of feels female but also feels very male and likes male designated stuff when it comes to clothes and style in general, I was always on the fringes. If you add to that my entirely too progressive, super feminist, super inclusive views and atheism....well it's rather hard to feel like part of any group, it's hard to make friends and I've always felt like an outsider everywhere. Oh and I was also bullied for my weight growing up so ...

All my life I was always true to myself, never hiding my true self, always wearing what I wanted, acting the way I felt, I was never in the closet with my gender queerness or with my views about the world.

However, even though I don't really care what others think because if they hate on my identity and expression they are wrong and also because I'm used to it now, there's always some internalized issues.

For me, in the past couple of years I realized I am pansexual. I'm actually really happy about that because for the life of me I can't imagine how it can be anything other than a positive thing, the ability to be attracted to every gender and gender expression. I had to really be open to it though, not in terms of overall mentality but to be truly open mentally to having yet another characteristic to my personality that is misunderstood, mocked, unacceptable to a significant nr of people. I'm used to being on the fringes and feeling on the outside but it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt and I am tired of this sense of profound loneliness of not belonging, of having to explain myself because I am not the default.

You may be asexual or just bi curious, or u may be subconsciously scared of actually falling for a woman, desiring a "real" woman you could be with, because that would definitely make you non straight and because there's still some stigmatization that comes with it.

Also, asexuality doesn't necessarily mean no desire/need for sexual release/pleasure or intimacy. Many asexuals have sex for various reasons and even enjoy it. Also, many asexuals masturbate, enjoy porn, fantasize.