About a month ago, i wanted to go IP, went IP, was happy for a few weeks, then got out 3days to celebrate a holiday, now im back IP and i hate it and cant understand how could i want it before.
Only explaination is that before i needed a break from life and wanted SHOW at work i "deserve" the invalidity i have.
Done that, i dont need it anymore but funnily, right now i want to die/od/act up because im here. So i want/deserve to be IP or not?

Same about the job. I worked very hard to get it, now i would do anything to keep it but.... i hate it! I want to.go back to work just to SHOW i can, not because i really want it. Id never go back to workagain if i could cause i dont care, whst i really want is die because.... because i do.

This goes on for anything in my life. I want something t o SHOW im able to do/get it. Then its waste and i dont want/need it anymore. So the only thing left is death, but am i so sure that once dead i wouldnt want to go back to life? Just to SHOW i cab die or live at my wish? How can i go on living like this? Its torture, im.so tired. Anyone sees any other explaination or has any insight? PLEASE?