I've been bipolar for a long time. I was dx'd when I was 19 and a college freshman, but I've had it since adolescence.

I've always felt different from others, locked out of society, an outsider. It's a very lonely existence. I have people that I love who love me back, friends and family, but I still feel like no one truly understands me. It's so frustrating and lonely.

I don't even know what I feel anymore. My mood is low but my mind is overactive. I keep thinking about what the purpose of my life here on earth is, or of anyone's life, really. I'm a med student and most of the time I love it. I went to med school to be a psychiatrist, but I was surprisingly pleased to find out that I like the internal medicine bit quite a lot too...

I know I'm gonna stay in med school and be a physician but I feel like I can't be myself in this career. Like there will be this expectation to function perfectly, to be a role model of stability, to act like I've never been sick or wounded myself.

In a way, I feel like to be an effective (or at least respected) physician, I will have to give up part of my humanity and be like a machine.

25% of med students and physicians are depressed, but it's not talked about. It's very hush-hush. No understanding for mentally ill doctors, especially not from other health professionals.

I've been having mild auditory hallucinations. I keep thinking that my roommate is talking to me when he isn't. It doesn't bother me but it is a sign that something isn't quite right.

I feel dissociated. Like I'm not real, the world is not real to me right now. And I feel like at this point I could do whatever I wanted but I have no desire to do anything.

I have an exam tomorrow that I haven't been studying for. I don't need to pass it, I just have to show up and take it, so it shouldn't be too detrimental. I just feel like I can do everything later, when I feel better.

I feel like I can't talk to anyone here. The other med students may be struggling too, but they are also caught up in this culture of silence. My roommate/best friend doesn't understand it. I feel I have no one I can go to with this.

My therapist is great, but she struggles from really bad anxiety herself and it is obvious in our sessions. 2 weeks ago I told her some of what I was going through and she looked really panicked. I don't want to overwhelm her with my emotional toxins so I can't really tell her anything.