My T says he cares about me. He has said it before but some how it is hard for me to hold on to - I wonder if he only cares when he sees me, kind of - out of sight, out of mind. He says no, that my mother never held me in her mind so I can't imagine anyone would. He wants me to listen to my gut - my experience of him. He wants to know if I can feel his caring. When he puts it like that - yes, I can.

So last week was kind of rough - I'm having trouble figuring out how to let anyone close to me and take care of me in anyway. It is uncomfortable and it is so much easier to take care of everyone else. My T said, "but you've let me take care of you - at least a little. Is that really hard still?" Yes! and no - because I trust that he won't ever need pay-back for that care. There were fears at the beginning that eventually I'd be asked to give sexual favors for his caring. Not rational fears - these were really old and coming from a very young part. I asked him if that was insulting. He said no - it was important that he knew about these fears and he promised that this would never happen.

But now I'm wondering. Is there a difference between his caring about me and his taking care of me? Just to be clear - we are talking exclusively about emotional care - I run a business, manage my household and I'm raising my children just fine. I make decisions about all these things easily and without his constant support. But emotionally, I use his strength to shore up my own so I can face each day. He says that is fine, that I'm borrowing his core-self until I rebuild my own, since we've worked hard to tear down the false one I've had in place for such a long time.

I hate when I do this. I'm dissecting what he said and now I worry I've done something wrong. I think it is Ok for him to care about me. And I want him to take care of me, sometimes, emotionally. So why do I feel like I'm in trouble for allowing him to?