First up, b̶a̶c̶h̶e̶l̶o̶r̶ we have therapist #1!

Orientation & specialization: Strictly constructivist school. Trauma specialist. Slightly CBT-oriented but often uses narrative, prolonged exposure, and other modalities.

Transference: It's like a crush, except there's no erotic component. I feel very fond/affectionate towards them. Also I intensely crave their liking and respect, always want to prove myself. This makes me work my *** off.

Pluses: Excellent rapport. Similar backgrounds and ages, so we share a lot of cultural context and politics etc., makes it easy to get along. And because I am always working my *** off, I got soooooooo much done during the year we worked together. Changed my whole life. It was intense. I had no idea someone could help me do so much just by being kind, empathic, supportive, and using a ton of socratic questioning.

Minuses: I hide things from them because I don't want them to think less of me. I did so well in therapy with them that I feel like I set an impossible standard I must now live up to, to prove it wasn't all a fluke. I have a schema in my head about which failures are "acceptable" and which are not, and I only ever want to show my "acceptable" failures to them. Due to this, I had a terrible termination experience with T#1. I delayed talking about how panicked the idea of termination was making me, and even when I did, I underplayed it, because I could not bear to have them think of me as "needy" or "dependent." Ended up pretending to be okay with terminating just to make sure they didn't think badly of me - but really I was in turmoil. So my transference legitimately interfered with my therapy. And also: they don't actually truly "get" me on an intuitive level, they don't probe too deep, and they are not very good at transference and relational work compared to trauma processing or coaching or CBT stuff.

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Then there's therapist #2.

Orientation & specialization: Psychodynamic. Analyst by training. Also does hypnotherapy.

Transference: ... not sure. Not feeling anything other than regular warmth, liking, and trust. Also perhaps because I went to T#2 AFTER the bad termination experience with T#1, I am much more wary and am taking it very slow. Don't want to feel dependent.

Pluses: This therapist "gets" me to a scary, scary degree. They are intuitive and it's like they can see inside my brain. I've only been going here 4 months but I have learned more about myself, my motivations, and ways to get around my emotional/psychological blocks than I ever did with T#1. T#2 rarely says anything and when they do, it's like a little nugget of cosmic truth that makes my whole scattered brain magically fall into place. I had no idea someone could understand me like this.

Minuses: The crazy off-the-charts energy I felt in T#1's office is missing. This work is slower, quieter, more internal - this part is NOT a minus - but I constantly feel like I'm not *doing* anywhere close to as much work as before. All the aha moments and answers I've gotten are things that make me FEEL better but not necessarily DO better. It might just be that due to the difference in transference, i.e. I don't feel the need to impress T#2 or prove anything to them, but it could also be just the psychodynamic vs. CBT thing? I don't know. Also, because of my hesitation with opening up fully, and a little bit because I'm a bit freaked out by how deeply T#2 sees me, I have not yet told them about the bad termination with T#1. We work on other things which are also quite significant, but ... ugh... I'm so afraid to say anything...

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Lastly, there's me. My issues are clumped into several buckets. Trauma/PTSD (childhood + abusive marriage), divorce (practicalities and emotions and logistics and FEEEELINGS), depression (moderate to severe with some passive SI), and functional day-to-day problems as a result of all of the above + my ADD (unable to focus at work, struggling with deadlines, not doing my creative stuff, neglecting chores at home, etc).

At the present moment, I would say that the last two are the most urgent and overwhelming issues for me. But there are some weeks during which PTSD really flares up and knocks me down to my knees.... Still, the outward results are no different from depression or functional issues knocking me down to my knees which is what happens all the time.

Divorce stuff is mostly okay now.

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So what is the verdict, folks? Should I go back to my old T, you think, given how I am struggling with day to day stuff a lot more since I terminated with them? Or should I stick with my current T who helps me greatly with depression and has the big plus of, you know, I freakin trust them not to kick me out of therapy when I need them a lot, because they intuitively seem to understand how much trouble I have asking for what I need, which T#1 just had no clue about?