Elsa, I'm sorry that you're in so much pain.

I've done a lot of stupid things in my life. I know there were times I alienated my daughter, and times when I told my husband to leave because I wasn't good enough for him. I disrupted the family many times. And I have physical issues but I have run my doc ragged and many of them were minor or even nothing at all.

Forgiving yourself, and having self-compassion, are very important now. Even if nobody else will forgive you (and it might happen, as they have free will) at least you'll have peace with yourself.