Hi. My name is Sadie. I’m new to this site and don’t really know how it works, so forgive me if I do anything wrong.
So, a little background on me: I’m fifteen years old and have had numerous mental health issues in the past, including depression, anxiety, self-harm, and eating disorders (anorexia followed by bulimia). I’m also mildly autistic.
The reason I mention all this is because my depression has been acting up lately- actually, more than acting up. I’m going off the rails. I’ll find myself swinging from a borderline-suicidal state to perfectly normal within the space of six hours. The tiniest stressors will send me into an absolute emotional breakdown. I’m angry over the slightest, tiniest things for no reason- so ridiculously ****ing angry. I have no motivation to complete schoolwork, deadlines don’t seem to matter anymore, I’ll find myself jotting down names to mention in my suicide note and then deleting them the next day wondering what in the hell I was thinking. I’m tired all the damn time.
In all honesty, I have no idea what to do anymore. My therapist says that this isn’t like any pattern of depression she’s ever recognized- like ultra-rapid-cycle bipolar, almost, except without the mania (as ridiculous as that sounds- it’s the only comparison I can think of). Going from a state where I’m literally Googling ‘how to kill yourself’ to being perfectly fine twelve hours later to devolving again the next day is an absolutely exhausting way to live. Nothing is predictable. It’s like being in a hall of mirrors. In my more reasonable moments, I am genuinely worried that I might seriously harm myself during one these episodes.
Does anyone have any advice or similar stories? Anything would be appreciated.
Also, sorry for the wall of text.