Ok, I read every word of your post, but now I fear I'll have to take your Part 2 Test to prove it. There are two kinds of people in this world: those who live from the inside out, and those who live from the outside in. Perhaps contemplate that, and pretend to care enough to figure out which you are, or which you'd prefer to be. You talk about being humble in almost the same breath as you talk about being homicidal. I don't see any compatibility in the two, not even paradoxical. Yes, find that therapist who has some solid input and support for you, but stay with them long enough to honestly evaluate their potential to help you. I don't know how long you have been in this multi-leveled frame of mind, but I hope you find some escape, even for just a few hours. You sound exhausted and my heart goes out to you. I do have spiritual faith and it brings me peace and hope. What harm would it do for you to explore that; you might enjoy Naturalism or a Native American spiritualism? If it brings you peace, what harm is there. Good luck to you. I will be thinking about you and the things you said.