There's no part 2; and I'm not sure why one would fear verboseness. I try to make my posts a little longer each time someone comments on the length. That's my nature.

I'm glad at least someone read that--that's reassuring to know. But it's rare. And that's part of the problem. It's a greatly lonely feeling. To know that these problems are so multi-tiered and there's hardly anyone out there feeling the same. Sometimes I strike gold though; I'm still waiting for that. Sometimes there's that one incredibly intelligent person out there, with compassion to boot.

But the responses have consisted mostly of (among forums throughout the internet; not even necessarily here): I don't know what to tell you, but I hope you get better. This wasn't always the case with Psychology forums. I think others' empathy is in short supply. We're living in a bad, bad time. Until I've been helped I will not pay it forward unfortunately; right now I'm on the defensive. Right now I am close to no empathy, because the same has been shown to me. I never would have dreamt responses would be this unhelpful--there's suicidal people on here. And I'll be quite honest, if I were truly and urgently wanting to kill myself I would have blown my brains out based on the lack of helpful resources out there. Even all the self-help articles littered throughout the net lack any sort of relatability. And replies to a post are scarce and take a while. I will give one bit of advice to someone though: pose as a woman when you're posting. They receive advice much more readily based on my (first-hand) experience.

I'll have to wait on a therapist because of financial reasons, so this is all I have.

I appreciate the response a lot. Sometimes the lack of responses exacerbate
depression. This has not worsened my depression. Although it has spiked my anger level up a bit.

I am anti-any spirituality unfortunately. I believe in atheism vehemently. I'm beyond an atheist at this point. What's the next step up? Super-atheist? No, but really, spirituality is so, so far out of the equation.

If that's one of the few things gleaned from that, the post wasn't large enough. You missed the thrust of the post of if you're counting inconsistencies and contradictions. Plus, I said I was tired of being humble. I'm ready to join the narcissistic in-crowd. I have nothing to lose now.

I'm running out of time. I really am inching toward suicide, but I'd LOVE not to kill myself. Funny thing is, I don't know why I'd announce it when I know nobody would care. Just as a rule of thumb. Almost nobody I encounter really, truly cares about another's death if it's of remote interest to them, especially if it's via suicide.

All I have to cling to is the possibility that someone out there comes along and responds with depth. Surely there are those that exist out there. That's all I can wait for until I'm able to get another therapist.

I'm pretty ****ing alone. Thanks though.