I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD three years ago due to extreme emotional abuse from 3 to 20 by my grandfather. I can remember being 3 and 4 years old and being told I was a worthless fat *****, I was never going to be anything in life, I could never do anything right, and I would only be good to a man as a *****. Needless to say with that along with my children's father's emotional abused, and an absent father who only came around to tell me how horrible my mother was and to babysit his new kids I am pretty messed up emotionally. Four years ago I found out that my daughter had been sexually assaulted by two family members for over 5 years and a year later it came out that both of my step daughters were sexually assaulted by their uncle. Then on top of it all my husband passed away suddenly 18 months ago in my arms and that has had an extreme impact on me emotionally. I have pushed everyone in my life away and isolate myself. I have no personal relationships with friends and family anymore. They all keep their distances because I'm too miserable for them to deal with. I feel like I'm on a constant emotional roller coaster. I get triggered by the smallest things anymore. I feel like I'm insane. The anxiety is so bad that I rarely leave my house. Then a year ago I was diagnosed with a rare blood cancer that completely turned my world upside down. I feel like a failure, I'm so depressed and angry that I can't make it through one day without wanting to die. I have no support from friends or family. I gave up on professional help after 4 different GPs, an emergency room doctor, and two mental health professionals told me to use Niacin, aromatherapy, and essential oils to help and I needed to naturally grieve. I go into massive anxiety attacks if I have to go to the doctor so I stopped going because there's always some new health problem or no help at all. And lately things have been worse because my daughter will be moving out in the fall to start her life as an adult. I understand that kids have to grow up and move out but I feel like I'm losing everyone in my life. I haven't told her I feel this way because I don't think its my right to make her feel like she can't have her own life. It's just a constant roller coaster of chaotic emotions and I am having a hard time dealing with it all.