Okay fuller version here. I went in and said I'd had a tough week missing him. I said I was aware we said at the end of last session that we would discuss holidays at the start of this session, so let's get that out of the way.
He said he was doing something different this year in that he was taking 3 consecutive weeks off in June. We quickly ascertained they come directly after my one week off. So in all i will have a 5 week gap between seeing him. All I could say was "that f***ing sucks" and look at my sleeve.
After a while he asked what was happening and I said "nothing".
He said he guessed I might be cross with him. I said no, I'm pissed off with myself for caring this much and I've run out of patience with myself and this process. T said he thinks on some level this might feel like abandonment, so its worth noticing how i turn that anger on myself. I judt looked at him and wiped tears from my eyes. I looked at his bookshelf for ages. I noticed we have a lot of the same books.
T said he didn't want to distract me from the here and now feelings but he keeps thinking of my mother, my lack of feelings towards her and the intensity of my feelings towards him. He said we don't need to talk about it but he wanted to say he had thought of it. I said I dont have the energy to think about the transference right now.
I said, although I rationally know it's not true, I feel like he should have prepared me better, or he shouldn't have let me become this vulnerable. He said that my feelings that he should have prepared me are as valid as any other feeling, even if there's nothing else he could have done.
I asked him if he was surprised by my reaction. He said no, that my attachment had felt pretty intense recently and he wasn't surprised. I said that I was surprised and it makes me feel woefully underprepared for if we had to stop working together suddenly for any reason. I said I am not sure how I would cope.
I said "knowing you hurts me. I wouldn't be hurting right now if I didn't know you" and he just nodded sadly. I started crying again when I said that.
We talked about object permanence, and how I struggle with believing he still exists sometimes. I said if I could get all of me to believe he still exists and is coming back it would probably be okay.
We hugged which was nice. As we got to the door there was an engine. I said "is that someone arriving or leaving?" He asked me if I wanted him to check. I said yes. He went out and said that it was a car leaving. It was probably a visitor and the car was gone by the time I got outside. He said seeya next week and I left.