I read to T from my teenage diary. It was extremely emotionally affecting for me. We talked about some people from my past, and my behaviour in the past, and my feelings about those things.

He was mostly great but there were some moments of misattunement that really got to me. I did challenge them, sort of, and we did reach a place of understanding. It's just... Ugh, why do the smallest things have to feel so huge? Why can't he be perfect? Why am I so upset by him not being perfect?

I almost went into a hole at one point. I said "I feel like shutting down"... but I didn't. He said he noticed I was having trouble making eye contact (something we've discussed before) and wondered if it was hard because of what I'd just shared with him (honestly my teenage diaries are pretty f***ed up). I said "I don't know" and stared at my toes for a bit.

He's always so nice though. We laughed a lot at the end. I told him I'd seen a bluetit in the tree outside his house and he said "Oh, yes! Did it swear at you? It often gets quite angry with me..." Apparently they have very different noises that they make when they're angry. I said it hadn't seemed angry at me but that I wouldn't care anyway. I'd just be like "whatever, come at me, I'm not afraid of you"...

Then he asked what I'm doing for my birthday on Tuesday and I said I'm seeing my clients. He asked if I'd tell them about it being my birthday and I said no, that could be weird for them... I might just wear a party hat though. He said I could wear a "32 today" badge...

I miss him now. God this is so stupid. Therapy is stupid.