After 2013-14 I was a mess. A zombie. I started to not give. F UCD how I looked. It took 7 months to find help. She gave me some strategy and weekly meeting my doctor went with her recommentati’ns till I was able to see a psychiatrist. A year or so I started feeling better and had people over my place. It was fun and kinda felt old me. But this would be the last time. I let my apartment go to ****. Stopped taking care of myself and stopped going to the gym. My envy, jealousy, depression at looking at women in bars increased to couples and also looking at how well dressed people were and how I was the complete opposite of it.
I became a hermit and started a bad coping skills of just sleeping. When I didn’t have work I’d be home sleeping. Not four hours 8 hours but days slept. I was off for three consecutive days and slept them all. My psychiatrist and therapist started to issue concerns and recommended in partial hospitalization. I ignored it but didn’t have much of a life. I Pretty much dead at this point. I certainly wasn’t living. A point came that at work we had a xmas party and I was anxious to go. I got there and everyone was having a good time. I was having a panic attack and was hurting now everyone was happy. I’d be going home crying not having that significant other or friends to hang out at home. I escaped.
My birthday this year I spent crying on my bed, better than the other year.
Work began and now was reintroduced to the person who used me past. Things were civil and was more worried with some of my mom’s health issues. Which eventually waned down. Besides these trips I fell back to the trap of sleeping. Work was becoming difficult. Everyone was bringing in potlucks but not telling me. On the day if I was filled with anger and rage. No 9ne even offered me a plate. This happened a few more time. Finally one person told me the night before we are doing something. I told her I’m working tonight and won’t have time to make anything. Probably my old friend but I feel a few more had jumped at me or at least that’s the ay I feel. My sleep resp9nse c tiniest being the same. I finally had vacation and I slept 11 days straight. Up to only go to bathroom and eat if I had food. I made a phone session with my therapist and she ordered me to go inpatient. (I wasn’t showing signs of suicide, not that I thnk). Well my vacation ended and it ended with me beginning to take sick days for an outpatient program. The program lasted longer than usual but it did make me learn a bunch of good coping skills and kinda have a basis on. Starting a new life. I still have my going out phobia which I need to destroy.
This year. I started on a higher horse. I went to tackle my health issues which seemed to multiply. Had my recurring shoulder, foot/ankle diabetes (wtd never had that), enormous weight gain. For about the past three years I gained weight to my highest 330. Lower back pain, sleep apnea. Nice list. Sometimes I’m ok and neutral knowing these problems will be cured. However just found out my latest problem. Low t. I met a girl and we fooled round Nd my **** wasn’t working. I grew anxious of it and still no change. Spoke with this girl tried to get into bed but still not working. So I broke down. And another fn challenge to over come. So been having testosterone test done and they keep. Coming in low. And lower. My latest draw was 130. It it about 140 points from 3 draws ago that identified it low. Is my **** gonna work again? Why is it non stop. I’ve been in bed the past two days.

My original plan was simple and I was on it. Go to college, meet some people, enjoy life learn new things maybe go to grad school think about where to apply and get in meet the woman be married have kids be a detective by now.
Apparently I was naive in that thinking.