it's so hard flower.. so very hard..

the struggle you are having.. the dissecting.. all of it.. it's all part of the process of trust and progress... it sounds promising to me. Struggle is good.

i remember being so just... i don't know.. there isn't a word.. maybe flabbergasted? when my T said something like "...therapy isn't about feeling good.." or something to that effect. GASP. But i knew he was right. Damn.

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I'm borrowing his core-self until I rebuild my own

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i like this way of putting it. EVerything you said about your expectations of him and yourself sound perfectly valid and reasonable to me.

why do you feel bad or in trouble? because it goes against the life patterns and beliefs you've held sacred all your life. My T says that if they were easy to change then they weren't beliefs to start with. Changing belief is not exclusively a thought process.. you can't just logically decide to change and everything follows easily. Nope. Even when we can look at it, examine it and see the maladaptive behaviours and feelings.. we cant just decide not to do it. It's like wading into a raging river.. the other bank is only clearly visible when you're not in the middle of it.. in the water you get swept up in turmoil.

it sounds like you are doing a bang up job at this flower.. seriously