(((WickedGypsy))) welcome to PC and the PTSD forum. Sorry you are struggling so much other members that visit this forum can relate to struggling with the rollercoaster symptoms of PTSD/complex PTSD. You have had a lot of exposure to very toxic individuals and toxic situations that frightened you and you had no life skills to know how to handle any of these toxic situations or toxic people.

The fact that you experienced your husband passing in such a traumatic way was a huge trauma for you to experience and most likely you developed PTSD from that experience and with all the other challenges you have been dealing with, it's no wonder you get so overwhelmed with these crippling ptsd symptoms.

It "is" important that you seek help for your health challenges, it's understandable that this is hard when you factor in the ptsd and how that makes it hard to function and do things, especially when it comes to interacting with others. However, you can ease that challenge by informing doctors that you struggle with ptsd and it can get crippling.

Finding a "trauma specialist" that you can spend time with will help you establish a relationship with someone who understands trauma and the challenging symptoms and a good trauma specialist can help you slowly gain on grounding yourself and understanding how to help yourself and slowly grieve all this trauma and confusion you are experiencing. You can't change anything you have lived through, but, you can learn how to grieve it all, and slowly regain your sense of self despite all of this trauma in your history. Also, a good trauma specialist will be able to help you feel safe and provide you with a much needed witness and "safe" presence that you clearly don't have in your life and you really need to have right now.

(((Caring Hugs)))