Mayam,

You sound like a really good person. You seem to have a very good tap on how you feel about any given situation. I admire your unquenchable passion, it's the life force that keeps us living. Ironically, I find the life strangling frustration and confusion actually makes life sweeter. I have no idea if that last statement makes any sense at all.

But in any case, you remind me of me, or what used to be me. In my quest to just stay alive (I'm suicidal), I've had to turn myself off to emotion. I find the technique actually helps me stay objective. It's a fact based mentality, and my goal in it is to look at the facts and try to find at least one, ONE, good thing in the situation. I also am they type of personality that is extremely goal oriented, but can't look at the big picture for the sheer overwhelmingness of it. So I take life one chunk at a time.

For example, lets look at some (I would love to try to list them all, but I'll leave that to you), facts:... wait, before I get too ahead of myself, I'd like to think this through. I am just going to ramble off some observations and then try to look at the facts. It seems to me you want to figure out how to settle down, marry, and have a stable life. Before you met this girl, it seems that you were just trying to have stability. Then you met her and her son, and something clicked inside of you. You got a snapshot of stability--this time, in the form of husbandry and fatherhood--and you said "That's what I want!" You appear to be the type of person who, once he has figured out what he wants, goes after it like a dog on a mailman's butt.

You wanted a job. You got it. You wanted prestige in the workplace. You got it. You wanted people to listen to you. Look, management's asking for your opinion on who should go and who should stay, and you were just the dish boy when you started! It seems to me you've got the panache and gung ho to accomplish your goals.

Perhaps maybe a little too much gung ho for certain situations. Life, and I sincerely wish it were, does not have a one-size-fits-all tolerance for gung hoedness. Heh. My husband's hobby is pool, and I've quickly learned that some pockets do not necessarily require that satisfying "SMACK" sound if you wanna win the game. Some hands actually need just a nudge of the ball to make the pocket, but not scratch. It takes a skilled player to know the difference, and when to just nudge. I definitely am not that player.

But the lesson definitely has it's applications. Perhaps the gung ho that seemingly magically got you where you are at work may not get you the same results romantically. I'm not saying you do this intentionally--I smack the ball way too hard at pool. Learning to have a balance--a skilled hand at life-- take a lot of time. I'm 24. You're 29. So much can happen by the time you hit 60. That looks like a big picture to me. And it looks incredible, since you've already had a snapshot of what you would like your life to be. It's mesmerizing to think of all the things that could happen, or not happen, in three decades. Personally, I think it's too much to think about. I get this overwhelmed feeling when I think that far ahead. There's a lot of pressure to have a certain set of things done by then. I find the big picture to be easier to handle if I just focus on what's happening now. Whether I'm married/having kids/graduated with a diploma (just an example) is out of my control RIGHT NOW. I want to be married, so what can I do about it right now, at this very moment?

Right now, the girl's not wanting a relationship. You do not have access to her life. This was her decision. Leave that problem alone and try to emotionally step back from it. Right now, you're not sleeping well. I'm an insomniac too, and I know the benefits/horrors of what sleep deprivation will do to you. Having this extra time and energy on your hands has definitely been a factor your success at work. Your employers love you for it. Einstein (or whoever it was) was brilliant with his work on gravity: what goes up must come down. I don't know if he realized that this works with us, too. For every energy high there is a crash. I'll tell you a secret to success: budget your time. I'm pretty far removed from your situation, so you will have to take what you need from this: perhaps having so much time at work will set you up for failure when you crash. In other words, what will happen when you make big promises to your employers based upon the energy you have--and not knowing when the well will run dry--only to find come crunch time, you simply can't? Has this type of thing happened with you in the past? You've mentioned having new jobs a couple of times. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think that means you've had several jobs and have left or quit or were fired or whatever, and you've felt stranded to find another one quickly. You said at one point you were too tired to line up another job after one of them fell through.

Pace yourself, man. I'd recommend allowing yourself to only work during certain hours. I'd also recommend allowing yourself to sleep during working hours. Those two are really important, because they set the pace for the rest of your day. I've found that rhythm and medication makes a WORLD of difference on my perspective. It also forces you to focus on other areas in your life that you'd otherwise normally work on if you weren't working all the time. Having a set number of hours in a day to which you'll be employed safeguards you from overpromising to your bosses. This might not barrel you through as quickly as you'd like, but it'd earn trust on an steady basis, which proves much, much more valuable in the long run. It's a skill, and it takes practice. My gut tells me you can learn this.

One last thought: what would you do if you suddenly found some extra time on your hands? Knowing the girl wants some space, I'd guess that as much as you'd like to invest those extra hours on her and her son, it may not be feasible. So with that assumption aside in mind, I'm curious to hear about what you'd like to do.