Continues from above post......So I got triggered thirty years abuse and emotional violence came back these last few days and issues to do with being bullied when I tried to reach out and make a life of my own people I tried to make friends with bullied me and were racist.Also I had a breakdown over my faith and lost my religion and rejected God and together with the abuse from my demonic sister the experience was like going through hell.

It came back in emotional memories,I re experience,the pain,violence and fear and the lack of security that I went through then with all the psychological confusion and disorientation and emotional disbelief,as well as physical illness and weakness.the bad experiences are too many to go into it all but to have it all in my mind thirty years worth these last few days and not realising it isn't happening now I don't need to feel it again.

But it has come up and it is like my body is saying feel it and heal it and I do feel it in my heart,solar plexus and and groin,all the sexual pent up energy related to not expressing my desires and rejecting people I was really into cos they were abusive back in my university days.....

I don't know that I can say that it is a bad thing the memories and flashbacks are making me ill but they have appeared just as I have my turn after waiting 9 months for one to one CBT therapy for the PTSD...so I will have help to heal from this hopefully.I don't want to suffer anymore,it hurts and holds me back .
I have to avoid places and situations cos it triggers me and I get ill but getting triggered awakens me emotionally and I feel more and feel my emotions in my body instead of just my mind so I come alive instead of having to hold myself numb and dead.So it is a good and bad thing.Part of the reason I went mad in the first place was cos I wanted this feeling emotions in my body,to heal in this was and come alive cos I always knew I was dead inside.

I hope this makes sense to someone,it helps a lot to write it down and organise my thoughts and document my experience...it helps me ground myself and come to terms with the experience.I am so alone with it all and it hurts...my CBT appointment in in two weeks but I also have an assessment the day after for benefits and so I am really nervous about that too.With all this PTSD symptoms and the assessment it is all very overwhelming.

I can't say more tonight I will update at a later date.