T today (note writeup includes some stuff from Wednesday's MC session that I haven't written up, since I was talking to T about it). As we were walking back, T apologized, saying he had to handle an emergency situation with a client on his phone real quick, that it should only take a couple minutes. I said was OK. He said it was about scheduling, not a long conversation back and forth. Which I understood, but still a slightly awkward start.

When he turned back to me, I said I had a cold and hoped it was OK that I still came. That I could sit in the chair further from him if he wanted. He said it was fine and that I did sound stuffy. I said I'd do my best not to breathe on him. He said, "No breathing--we'll see how long that can last!" and laughed.

T asked if I wanted to talk about my session with MC. I said yes. I said that we did terminate, but really only the last 5 or so minutes were about that. How it had actually been kind of a rough session, in terms of marriage counseling stuff. I said H had wanted to talk about some of that stuff, so we did, but then it wound up taking up almost whole session.

I started by saying how MC was late, and it was particularly frustrating because he was talking to receptionist about another client for 5 minutes while we were in waiting room (he knew we were there). And that he was already late before that. T said it would have been good for him to have poked his head out and said he'd be with us in a minute. I said yeah and ranted a little about MC's tendency to be late, then I said, "I'm sorry." T: "Why are you apologizing?" Me: "I don't know...I guess because I was ranting?"

I said how one part was the conflict over my getting a pay cut from one of my freelance jobs, how H had been like, "Well, you should be getting away from freelance anyway." And what H said in session implied to me that he did have an "agenda," as T had mentioned last week. In MC session, H said how he thought maybe it would be the push I needed to get away from freelance. I said (in MC session) how that wasn't what I needed to hear right then. How I was upset about pay cut and just wanted empathy and validation.
So MC had said that I wasn't getting response I wanted, and that H was trying to help, but wasn't being appreciated for it. And being supportive is exactly what a husband should do for his wife. I noted to T today how that had seemed a bit biased. T said how I'd mentioned that numerous times with MC, and I said yeah...and then he was doing it again. MC wanted us to validate each other. I turned to H and said, "I'm sorry I wasn't appreciative of your trying to help." To which MC said, "You shouldn't have apologized there." When I told T that, he gave a little laugh and kinda shook his head, and I said, "Yeah, I can't do anything right!"

I said how H had been talking about "tension in the house," and I'd said much of it was various stressors. How H had said it was like my cup was full, and anything else made it spill over. T said that's a perfect analogy, because it's often referred to as "overflow." I said how some of it was due to work stuff, plus snow days, spring break, etc.
I said how D had been particularly challenging the past few weeks and gave a description of a meltdown yesterday morning. T said that sounded really difficult. I said I'd been considering looking into behavioral therapists again for her. T said something surprising here--he suggested we read a book ("The Explosive Child," plus the related online material) instead of going to a therapist. He said how therapy is a big undertaking, "as you know." But he thought could be better for H and I to set aside time to read and discuss that book instead of paying a therapist. Which...seems weird coming from a T, but OK! (though...I have to wonder now if maybe he tried something like with his son--also on spectrum--and it didn't help?)

He described a concept from that book, how you can't get through to a kid when they're in the middle of a meltdown. He gestured with his hands to show the start, the peak/crown, then the end. And said how you could reach a kid before or after crown, not during. During, all you can do is contain. He mentioned his friend who is "one of the best parents I know" and said she often needs to "take 24," waiting to talk to her kid until the next day about something. How she does it both for her kid and for herself.

I said I did want to get back to the MC stuff. He apologized for getting us off track, and I said, "No, this is really helpful, she's a big source of stress for me right now." I said with MC, near end of session, he'd said how I'd looked upset. I said that I had intended that to be termination session. And that MC had said we could do sort of an open-ended thing or that we could do an official stop, with the option to return anytime we wanted. I said how I felt I needed the official stop, to be able to sit with that a bit. How I'd felt in limbo for months and didn't want to feel that way anymore. T said that answered a question he was going to ask--did I think I'd waited too long to terminate. I said yes.

I said I felt I'd lost the trust in MC. And without the trust, that I felt I could no longer do therapy with him. T said how trust is very important in therapy. I agreed. He was saying something else, and in there I kinda of mumbled "I trust you," but he either didn't hear it or didn't acknowledge it (I imagine the former). I said how it can take time to build trust, and he said not always. He referenced attachment theory, how trust is the big thing in the first 4 months of life. How securely attached people tend to just assume everyone is good and won't hurt them. While insecurely attached ones (like me) meet someone new and might wonder, "How will this person hurt me? Will they abandon me?"

T said how I've mentioned numerous times how someone (like H) hasn't given me what I was looking for. And how that probably feels like a threat to me. I said yes, "it's like, we've been married almost 10 years, shouldn't he know what I want/need by now?" T said it might feel to me like a step toward abandonment. But that H probably has no idea why it feels that way to me because he's more securely attached in general. I said that made sense, that he tended to forget about those things shortly after they happened. T said, "Yes, because they aren't a big deal to him." I said how I felt marriage counseling had helped in the manner of MC being able to explain my anxiety issues to H, but then it was like H understood them cognitively but didn't put them into practice.

I forget why, but ex-T came up, and I'd mentioned the length of our relationship. T said that 6 years is a long time with a T. How a T only has so much in their bag of tricks. I said I hoped his bag didn't run out at 6.5 months (how long I've been seeing him). He said, "Tomorrow, actually," and we both laughed.

I'd mentioned earlier sending MC an e-mail, so T asked me about that. I read him excerpts--at one point, T said, "That's very poetic." I shared MC's response, saying how final it felt, how I kinda wish he'd said he had enjoyed working with us, mentioned his door still being open, something like t hat. T said maybe he's being more reserved in showing his feelings. I said, "To me?" He said maybe with his clients in general. I said how MC had said at very end that my subject line of the e-mail, "coda," was a good word. T: "What's coda?" Me: "Oh it was the subject line of the e-mail." T: "No, what does coda mean?" I gave brief explanation, can be end of a musical piece that's kind of separate from the rest of it.

Was end of session. He confirmed Tuesday, put me on schedule for Friday. I was like, "Oh, Friday the 13th." He said, "I hope you're not superstitious!" I said not about that, about other things. He said, "Ladders, black cats, broken glass?" I said yes, and I'd just seen a black kitten by our house. He was like, "ooo."
I went over to pay. I offered to let him pull the card from my wallet to avoid germs, but he said, "It's OK, I'll just wash my hands. I should be doing that anyway." T ran card, then said I didn't have to sign slip. I said I could use my own pen, he said was OK, he didn't think I'd contest the charge. Skipped handshake. He stood up (usually stays sitting), and I think he was going to open door for me, but I did it out of habit. Then I said, "Oh, sorry, germs!" He said it was OK. I said, "You're going to cover this place in Lysol after I leave, aren't you?" He smiled and said, "Have a good weekend." I said "you too" and left.