It is truly amazing when you look back on your life … and say what if … the could I … or should I …

becomes swallowed up by small daily concerns … when I was younger I had ambition … a desire to do something noteable … save man kind … cure some disease ….

when your life is totally consumer with daily dribble … work … food … sleep ….

when your real reason to be alive is to pay a bill …. chief seattle said what will happen when the wildness is gone … when the scent of men is everywhere …

the end of living and the beginning of surviving …

all my life I have just been surviving … the pills deaden the emptiness …. the routine dulls the pain … the loneliness separated me from love and feeling …

this is not bragging .. but I am yet to find a T long term … that by the third session … have not completely lost my faith in her …. none have been challenging or understanding … I lose respect in them …

my pdoc is my only anchor … five years … and as he says … no one knows me like he does … true ..

I know the meds can only do so much … but the human spirit can only take so much too …

I no longer feel human … like some atomatome going thru the paces …

I fear the black beast … he is calling me … so far very faint … just a whisper …

this time no new meds … lets ride the pony till it drops … to feel … I choke up and cry … not even sure what over comes me … my Soonkyu is still my last best hope …

am very tired as I write this … please forgive an old man for rambling so ….. Tigger ..