It was a good session yesterday. She threw out some ideas that made me think, or reframe. It's funny how a simple statement can be a catalyst for a cascade of new insights.

I was (again) questioning my decision to stay, to keep my home intact, to work toward peace and healing. She suggested that perhaps having the opportunity to process and grieve in this environment is allowing me to fully process some of my grief and anger without getting distracted or overwhelmed by a "new" life. I hadn't really thought of it like that. She said she sees clients who think they've moved on and something happens later, and they are hit out of the blue with all of the feelings with no idea where it all came from. She's seen me process living this life on a regular basis. She's certainly on target--I chose to stay and face all of this, and there is no getting away from processing it here and now.

I also realized after our session, thinking about what she'd said, that I kept prefacing talking about my grief or anger with, "I know I chose this life," and I realized I don't feel that I deserve to feel sorrow or anger or violation or betrayal or grief, because I chose to stay and be faced with it every day. I don't deserve to whine because I made my own bed. What an ugly thought.